And As She Opens Her Eyes...

See.. i never did love myself. never have, never will. and so.. sadly my best and worst trait is that i have extra love to give. when i give that love to someone.. haha its not leaving any time soon, as to why i made rules for my lovers. and so.. im caught like a snorkeler in his own net.

I am receding. i know i am. i still look into those eyes and want to grab her. i want to scream, scream it loud. but i cant. and i wont.

I will not do this.. i will not hurt what is left. i will love what we first had, why we began to talk. i will love her from afar, i shall laugh and smile with her, talk with her, listen, take her with me or follow her.. but i can never.. i can never do what i did. i can never hurt her again.

Ha im still confused as to how its her fault. i feel the guilt so thick. i feel my pulse constantly, cant stop crying, cant stop my stomach from flipping, my balance from failing, my mind from the one thing nor can i feel anything but this.

It must have been me, she was perfect to me in every way ha.. i had to have something wrong here. something so obvious to her, but hidden from myself.

They always leave. or i run. i run when i know i cant stop myself, or that i know more is coming. it will hurt more to stay.. wont it?


I want to leave. take a bag, some money and leave. i know Delta will never let me go.. she'd follow me to the ends of the earth and further if i needed it. wanted it.

Why cant i find such love she has for me, so wonderful, so simply, so pure, with someone else? why? because i tied myself to her. forever and more.. and i now breathe for it. for this.

I breath for her. completely and indefinitely, until she will have me no more.

Still numb. and it still hurts. it hurts more that she seems unable to talk to me anymore. im fine with any contact with her, and yet she does not want it, she makes it seem like i was the one that brought it on. inside im guilt stricken.. trying to figure out what i did wrong to bring this on.

I have no footing in this at all. i only stand back and watch. i think it good that this is all i get. otherwise id be much worse.

I still hold my breath when i see them. i dont know how to act most days. whether to say nothing or be polite and talk to or back.

So i smile and wave. give them the idea im fine. can you see through it other than in my writing? i think im doing good, compared to what i was like.

I want her back. ha if only our friendship. i need that. i talk to the second more than her. its rather different. and confronting.

I want her to know that i do love her, maybe never to the same extent, or at least admit it, but i do and i will always stand beside her, help her up when she needs the hand and save her when she needs it most.

What to do..

She talked to me. both did. it helped, if only for the fact i needed her contact, but im still in pieces.

I had a reason, a plan of not to fall in love. i know that is something no one can promise ones self. i avoided it for years. i finally fell into the habit again and hurt her. twice. the first not so badly, i guess time helped there. the second was gutless me running with my tail between my legs.

So when she hurt me, when they got together the first time, i knew i deserved it. i deserved that entire stretch you shared with her. what hurt was seeing you hurt. and im sorry for that. i wished to save you. help you. love you.

I did love you, more than anyone i ever gave a second thought to. and i believed you loved me. i trusted you like i had no other, i looked at you like i had no other. i wished to build us a life, or at least give you space from everyone, from everything. the time and air i knew you needed, with no one to pester you but me, until even i was too much. then id simply step back. i would have kept you forever, forever safe and free. i would have made sure.

But it was not enough was it?

We had another try, and i believed you loved me, maybe even more than i loved you, and that is what made me wake up in the morning, that is what kept me smiling, made me gaze at you those long hours.

Im sorry i left you, but i left for you. i was looking ahead.

I dont hold it against you. i wont. i will forever love you. my heart may not be open for it as easily anymore but i will keep you, for my years and years to come.

I love you.

Dont let me go.

After all this time, its suddenly gone.

So tell me sweetheart.. Tell me again why you suddenly dont love me.

Im not a child, do not need it dumbed down into short, blunt sentences. I may act 10 at times, but i think fast, and think my age.

So tell me.

Was it me? Was it you? Or was it her.. The one you fought to be away from? And i want no lies. You owe me that much.

I love you Romeo. I do. And if you dont love me anymore, thats fine, but i would much rather you say that, than use a side excuse.

Been thinking about this for weeks? We've only been together the month this time.. So half of that was unwanted? Nice nice..

Just dont lie to me.

She is mine. I am hers.

I have waited for her for longer than i thought i had the courage for. I am not proud i have managed this, but i am glad i waited. I love her, and she knows this, at least i hope she as an idea of it, of how much i love her, how much i will do for her. I know this is said in most if not all relationships, but Romeo, i would not say such things unless they were true.

I get disappointed some times.. Your last does not help. She needs to make everything difficult. She's moving now yes, or so she says, but she makes a big deal about it..

She says she loves you, still, and is upset that she isn't the one making you happy anymore. And now she tells me she has loved me since only a few weeks after we met, and is also upset that she isn't the one making me happy. She keeps bringing this up and it frustrates me. I know i myself have liked more than one person at once, but that was simply because the ones i would fall for, seemed wrong to me, or that it would never work. So i tried to get away from that, i'd meet new people, forget the others, learn to love all over again. I've grown since then and i know just how much love one person can give at any one time. And so, she cannot keep claiming to love us both at the same time, you more so, and then go on about others she likes, and even more still.. It just doesn't.. Shouldn't work like that.

So our newly 16 y.o friend's son has been born. His poor mother will be exhausted for months, if not years to come. Do you think all this will go well? Parenthood at such a young age for them both? I know he will be looked after, but will they be able to handle it for long enough?

No more school for me. My resume has gone out, and i should take it out to more places soon, but i've never been one to apply at too many places at once, if i got call backs, and had to choose.. I'd pull my hair out for days.


"The concrete boots he wears, make it hard to reach the air."


I need an out. Just space.. I want to write, to put my imagination down on paper. Sarah Waters has wormed her way back into my head, making me want to write even more. But would i get anywhere? Would it be read, liked, sold?

I'm told i'm a heart breaker.. Both in my stories and in matters of the heart. I've already broken yours.. But i hope never to do it again. Such a thing is hard to promise because a heart can break in many different ways.


I love you x
For our forever x

I'm glad it is all sorted. there shouldn't be any more drama.. it seems too good to be true so i'm naturally doubtful that it will always be drama free, but i don't mean with us, i know that can't always be smooth but it will be better. i mean with them. with her in particular. she's back to thinking about Jamie again.. and yet only last night was going on and on about whom she liked. no. i don't think it will be alright for long on her end.. but i think it will pass. that is something i'm sure of. she will get better.

I still have your heart, and i have kept it safe dear, and i don't feel like giving it up any time soon :) x

I will take you to your colourful place for the day, and i will help keep it peaceful while we are there. it is all we need right now.

I will steal you, both mentally and physically. you will be completely mine, and i completely yours, for as long as you wish.

Me too Romeo, the warm flutters are indeed back. and i've missed them. what has brought them back is the thought you still want me, after what i did to you, you still wish for me as i wish for you. it near killed me the first time around, for them to leave. they remind me i have a heart. but now i know they'll always be there for as long as you are too x

You will give me company, and i will give you mine. one day. soon maybe. from now, until then.

I don't think i will stay for the rest of the year.. but if i don't, i will start earning money, save up and move out. how much easier it would be for us to see each other then. oh it would be so much better.

I do love you Romeo. with everything i have. and i will wait for you. no matter how impatient others become; i will wait. until your head and heart have had time to clear. and if, after they clear, whom you see is not me, i will not make a fuss, complain, scream, as long as you still remain in my life as my close friend.


If only xx

So shes caught on. she knows how i feel for her, and now wishes ill on me. and yet i was fine with it when they were together? who's the bigger man now?

We will hide it, at least for a while, just until you feel better about it. i wish i knew how to keep my feelings out of conversations.. ill get better. so she knows the feelings are there, but seems to have settled for now. i wonder what will happen next.

Your Juliet, my Romeo xx

Where would you like to go my dear? where there are the colours, fresh air and peace you deserve..

Steal you? really? truely? ive been waiting for your permission x

Life, colour, smiles i can do, just promise to keep them?

I will fly you where ever you want me to. To the clouds, to the stars, around the planets and through the universe. where ever you want to go, ill take you there, in mind, heart or body x

I always loved you.

Romeo..

I hear her lies and i hear of her lies. each and every time i try hard not to speak my mind, to jump down her throat or grab her collar and shake some sense into her. lies.. lies are dreadful. yes i lie, but i lie only for the sake of sparing someone. i know the difference between when a lie will hurt more than the truth and when the truth is much better. but she seems to do it all because she's bored.

I hate it.

To be alone helps, most times. the problem is that when you are alone, you crave company, and when you have someone, you crave solitude. it becomes confusing, but its much better when you find that someone that you want to keep close, that you both can be alone together.

Love.. i understand what you want because i need someone to understand the same. love is all i want, the extra is just extra, its not a constant thing you need, its not what makes your heart beat when nothing else works. love. love is what gets you up in the morning, makes you smile, crave to see someone, and where just seeing someone can be enough. to see them, hear them, smell them, touch them. love is what makes you live. helps you live. it is why we live.

I will hold you, and i will comfort you. it was all a nightmare my dear, and it doesn't have to come back, it never has to come back. you are awake now and its so much easier to see when you're awake.

I love your writing, and i will wait, for how ever long you want me to wait. x


My clothes, my chair, my walls, my roof, this air.. it is all stifling.. i cannot seem to breathe, and i dont know why.. it is like ive been cut free from something, someone has let me out of my cage, taken the pressure off me, but too suddenly and now im floating too high, or sinking.. i cannot decide.. all i know is im smiling. im happy. not on the outside. no its all inside my heart. part of her has been released and now part of me has also been let go. it makes me look at everything longer, im taking notice of people, of the little things, the emotions, the body language, the way they pass things to and fro.. im interested. im finally interested in how the rest are. this is a good thing. a very good thing. thankyou.


He wants to make my dreams come true. but i see my dreams already, and not one of them seem to involve him.. how do you tell someone that?


Oh Romeo.. how long it seems ive waited for you to be free again. i want you to be able to breathe freely, move without being followed if it is what you wish.. i want you to feel better.

Do you feel better?



Romeo..

I may not be a knight in shining armor, but i will be your idiot in tin foil. I will save you, however you want me to, each and every time you need me.

I will give you reason again, i will give you a less troublesome mind to swim through, may it be my mind or yours. I will give you my heart, so you can forget your own for a time, forget the lies, the pain she brings on you.

I will help you forget her, and make new memories, even if it is only for an hour, just to stop the pain, the sadness, the bad feelings i can see on your face and hear in your voice.. I will help you. I will.

I will save you, if it is what you want.


Tell me.




Romeo..

I've been thinking.. oh so much.. too much.

This man likes me, loves me.. he tells me how he wants to make my fairy tale come true. he wants to love me, make me feel loved, give me a home, protect me, care for me, marry me and give me children; and throughout all this, he will continue to love me. i want this. i crave for this. desire this. but love is the hardest thing to ignore.. i cannot throw her over this one man who will give me his everything. i know that sounds stupid.. irresponsible.. unbelievable.. but id rather half my life with her, than a full one with him.

But i want my full life with my one person.. please.. someone, tell me what am i supposed to do?

I can see myself slipping.. and im becoming more noticeable. but i dont care what they think.. catch me out. i dare you. because as soon as its out in the open, im not backing down.

I hate not getting to see you as much as i used to.. i hate that what is stopping us seeing each other is something as bland as the weather and something as stupid as my stress releasing habit.

I love you. so bloody much.. and i want you to see that. and to see that i want nothing but your happiness, your laughter, your love and i will not stand by while you get hurt so.. not anymore.. i cant leave you to this shark, at least not unprotected..

Please know that i am never more than an email, a txt, a letter or a short walk away my dear.. you will always have me, and i will always keep you in my heart.. i want to help you, i want to make you feel better, feel happy again, but genuine happiness, not just to please her, to please us, pretending like that hurts more than straight out sadness.. i cannot stand it.

I wish i helped you like you help me.. i wish i could do that for you. if there is anything i can do for you.. never. never hesitate to ask, to tell me. it is all i want, to see your smile, to help you.

If only..

x

I worry about her. I always have, and always will. For we shared that little part of our life; and such a thing i have never done which felt like this, like that, and is that close, was that close.

The lover she has right now is causing trouble. Between them, between others, between herself. Its like she seeks to be the victim, always. And i feel bad for her, for my lost, because it is my fault she is with her now. If i had kept her, had not been so scared, then she would be happy, she would always be happy. With this other, she has nothing but stress, arguments, tears and its tearing me open from the inside, out.

Tell me that you forgive me? I want to keep you safe. I want to keep you happy, keep you loved. But everything just seems to be spiraling out of control for you now. And i could have stopped it.

Why didnt i stop it?

Its not a matter of me not loving her, oh believe me, i did. But then, why did it end so? Why did i end it.

I brought this pain on her and i will never forgive myself.

I shall always love you, my dear. And i shall protect you until we both pass, and then longer.

If only..

What is supposed to be going through my head? Im lost.. haha and im alone. So tell me, what can i do to see further ahead instead of wallowing in self pity, punishing myself for such horrible things i cant even remember if i did any more. Someone throw me a rope? Pull me back.. because i do believe i am slowly but surely going insane.

I used to think of how i had never been insane.. now i think only of how i have never been sane.


"Absentmindedly
We all will cross that bridge, and
look down with delight."


"For those who feel it
I am sympathetic, when
Insanity lives."


Now where is that rope i asked for?

Today shall be fun.

Sitting in English Writing once again, we have a relief so it shall be easy going.

Yesterday i gave blood for the first time.. found out i weigh 47 kg instead of 50 so its only 2 kg more than their minimum. To make it worse i hadn't eaten since that morning which i know is bad but i did have a few drinks.

They take 470mls so less than half a litre and only was able to give around 360mls.. I started to feel really light headed and they took the needle out a little after. Sadly the dizziness is still here, not as frequent but strong when it comes. Basically passed out on my bed haha.

But it wasnt too bad, and im sure ill continue giving blood unless of course i get these tattoos i want. Then i have to wait.



A few of my friends are down atm.. Not too sure whats going on there. Hopefully it picks up soon its making me depressed as well ha..

Going to possibly watch a movie tonight, Toy Story 3. May be fun :) Hopefully my other friend can come and keep me company among the rest. Hopefully..



Best get back to my work,



Always love,


Sierra

My full story so far.


----------------------------------------



It was my funeral, of that I am sure, because I was the one in the coffin.

The overly large and high room was full of stale air and an extreme, profound pressure caused by the silence they all held. There were rows upon rows of benches, the kinds you find in parks, not churches. They were not all full but more than half were, the back rows were empty except for a few people that felt they shouldn’t have been there or didn’t want to be seen.

My immediate family were in front, a different look on each face; Longing, indifference, curiosity, boredom, concentration and anger. Behind them were rows of the rest of my family, more cousins than uncles and aunts. The benches to the sides held my friends, long lost and people I had seen only last week.

For them having to see me like this, I am sorry. I never wanted to be buried. I never wanted an open casket. What I wanted was to be burned, cremated, put into a box and placed under a white tree next to her tree, and for her to carve out names onto the trees. Our trees.

I suspect she was pissed. She would have fought with them. Tried to tell them my song preferences. Where and how I wanted to be laid to rest. I suspect she brought forth our letters as proof, my silly handwriting scrawled between the lines, claiming my wishes and commenting on hers.

She lost. She must have.


It was her face I searched for. Her face I felt. She came up to me, placed lilies and her last letter on my chest and left a kiss on my cheek. I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt her, she is the last person I would ever hurt and even then, not intentionally.

I choked. I gasped, coughed and choked again. My back arched as my lungs tried desperately to take the energy my heart was giving them, to fill with the needed air. The air that had been missing since the day they found me in that river. My legs kick, my back arches further, picking up off the oddly comfortable casket floor.

I hear nothing, see nothing, and taste chemicals. Another attempted breath. It’s like being smothered in reverse. There is a huge weight on my chest, making it agonising to move, to think. The weight gets lighter but still pushes ever downwards. It all hurts, everything, my heart most.

And then my chest gives. The air is filling all spaces inside me, from my god given mouth to my toes somewhere in the bottom of the casket. My brain is dull, sluggish and my ears are ringing. With my eyes closed, I feel something holding my knees down and something pressing into the bottom of my ribs. Something starts to run down my face in dull throbs.

The first thing I hear is screaming. It’s a horrible sound; painful. I take another breath and the screaming stops for a brief moment, only to start up again. It’s me. I’m screaming. I open my eyes, wince at the sudden light and hastily close them again. I’m still screaming, the wetness of my face is due to me crying. I’m crying through the blindness, through the deafening screaming.

I open my eyes again, blinking rapidly to keep my eyes moist. The tears help. There is one figure to the side of my vision. I can’t look. And I’m out of breath.
“Breathe damn it! Breathe!” I yell at myself.
The shout rings through my head as I remember how to inhale. The screaming melts into violent sobs.

There are arms around me and below me. One set warmer than theirs. I’m breathing. I don’t belong there. Her hair falls across my face as they all try to lift me clear of that dreaded box. She is here. I strangle out a sound which is drowned out almost instantly by more screaming, but from the isles this time. I should be dead. I should be getting carried out in my tomb right now to be placed in the cold, dead dirt. And yet, here I am, getting pulled from that box, clearly alive.

Some hands leave me. Others clasp and hold on as if I’m leaving again. Her arms encircle me completely. The weight of my body suddenly hits me and I collapse, softly as there are still hands holding me up. Her arms never leave me, we fall together. Sitting on that numbing wooden floor she holds me. She pulls me into her, into her own skin, her heart. It seems she will never let me go. Never. Never again.

They tell me that they love me, but it’s only hers I hear. She has said it so many times before but this is different. I can feel it in her arms, her body and her voice that she means it. I cry. She cries. We cry; more from shock and pain than anything. I should not be sitting here. What is going on? What is happening to me?

As we quiet down, I look around me. From what I can see through the legs and bodies of people around me there are still people sitting and standing well away from me. They don’t know if they should run or come over and see me. I wouldn’t blame them if they did run. This is not something that people prepare themselves for when coming to a funeral. They may hope for it, but they do not prepare for it.

People are on their phones. Calling friends, family, the authorities, I am not sure. The priest himself has moved slowly back towards us. He starts talking to my father and a few of my uncles. I am picked up and moved to one of the front seats. She’s still right next to me. She will not leave me; I’ll make sure of it. Looking up, I see the coffin again. From here it looks frightening; down right terrifying. I cry harder. She stands me up, leads me to the big wooden doors and out into the warm, clean afternoon air.

We sit on the pavers lining the garden bed of the great Oak outside the entrance of the church. She watches me, watches my face.
“I can’t..” She stutters. “I can’t believe.. You’re really here.. Are you really here?”
I cannot find my voice, despite the screaming and sobbing I’ve been doing. So I nod; a single frightened nod. She looks at me, really looks at me, and hugs me yet again.

Her smell wafts around me comfortingly. She smells of acorns, summer breezes, of her purple lip gloss, the watermelon kind we like so much. She smells of new books, of chocolate, of her body spray I always find myself searching for when we meet. She smells of sought after happiness, of company, of love.

I know this is wrong of me. I feel like I am stealing this air I am breathing. This is not what is meant to happen. It was all meant to end then. I slipped into that river, fought for this; the chance to breathe this air again. I did not succeed; in that instant at least. I’ve never been one to give up easily, but to fight like this; does it not seem wonderful in a horrible way? Does it not seem too vigorous an action? It is not something one hears of.

The death certificate, the birth certificate, the paperwork that needs to be changed back or burned; so much commotion for a life. There will be tears. Many more tears, some for me, some for others that should have woken up like me. There will be fights. There will be screaming. There will be love. Over all that, there will be happiness; enough to drown out the sadness, from me, from them, from us, and why shouldn’t they be?

They have their daughter, their sister, their neighbour and their friend back. I have my father, my mother, my siblings, my neighbours, my friends and my love back.

I breathe her in again, deeper and deeper. This is what I waited for every day, every week, what I got up for in the morning, what I craved for, what I breathed for. This is why I lived, so why not again?



----------------------------------------

Sitting in English Writing. Im meant to be writing my major mid year piece but i cant seem to think.. maybe its because i hit my head before class on the underside of a trucks trailer? i have a lump but its not bleeding. a few of us hit our heads. sadly i didnt hear their complaints as warning until after i hit my head. oh well.


-------------------------------------------------

Company vs. Solitude


Don’t you just hate it when you hope for company, long for it, need it, and then when you finally do get your company, you hope for solitude, long for it, need it? Well it’s happening to me... again. It doesn’t matter how many times this happens; I continue to bring this on myself. How stupid of me. How selfish. Do you agree?

-------------------------------------------------


Current thoughts instead of proper writing. how bad.

I have the 1000 Journals Project book in front of me, didnt take long for the state library to send it in. havent finished looking through it yet but i grow more and more motivated to start a few of my own the further i read and look into it.

Our teacher is in my line of site, but he cant see my screen. success! means i can continue writing like this without interuption.

I really need to pick up on my entries on here aye? it makes me feel better to write on here, so why not more?


"Hope keeps the heart from breaking."


I wish she didnt have so much hope in me.

Its raining outside.. still. this morning we had half a blue sky and half a looming brown sky. the blue looked hopeful. the sun is coming through. i do wish this winter rain would stop. i do love the rain. more lightning storms than just showers.. seem to help me think if i need to, or stop me if i dont. THANKYOU!!

Class ends in around 20 minutes. then i have to cross the hall and sit through a half hour of Student Group. hopefully Ker will come this time. she usually misses SG ha.

I love army code. my full name is rather fun. Sierra Lima Juliet Tango. im keeping it going for a few of my friends. Romeo, Bravo, Tango, Delta, Charlie, Echo, Alpha.. makes me laugh haha


----------------------------------------------------


Everything I Am


It was my funeral, of that I am sure, because I was the one in the coffin.

The overly large and high room was full of stale air and an extreme, profound pressure caused by the silence they all held. There were rows upon rows of benches, the kinds you find in parks, not churches. They were not all full but more than half were, the back rows were empty except for a few people that felt they shouldn’t have been there or didn’t want to be seen.

My immediate family were in front, a different look on each face; Longing, indifference, curiosity, boredom, concentration and anger. Behind them were rows of the rest of my family, more cousins than uncles and aunts. The benches to the sides held my friends, long lost and people I had seen only last week.

For them having to see me like this, I am sorry. I never wanted to be buried. I never wanted an open casket. What I wanted was to be burned, cremated, put into a box and placed under a white tree next to her tree, and for her to carve out names onto the trees. Our trees.

I suspect she was pissed. She would have fought with them. Tried to tell them my song preferences. Where and how I wanted to be laid to rest. I suspect she brought forth our letters as proof, my silly handwriting scrawled between the lines, claiming my wishes and commenting on hers.

She lost. She must have.


It was her face I searched for. Her face I felt. She came up to me, placed lilies and her last letter on my chest and left a kiss on my cheek. I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt her, she is the last person I would ever hurt and even then, not intentionally.

I choked. I gasped, coughed and choked again. My back arched as my lungs tried desperately to take the energy my heart was giving them, to fill with the needed air. The air that had been missing since the day they found me in that river. My legs kick, my back arches further, picking up off the oddly comfortable casket floor.

I hear nothing, see nothing, and taste chemicals. Another attempted breath. It’s like being smothered in reverse. There is a huge weight on my chest, making it agonising to move, to think. The weight gets lighter but still pushes ever downwards. It all hurts, everything, my heart most.

And then my chest gives. The air is filling all spaces inside me, from my god given mouth to my toes somewhere in the bottom of the casket. My brain is dull, sluggish and my ears are ringing. With my eyes closed, I feel something holding my knees down and something pressing into the bottom of my ribs. Something starts to run down my face in dull throbs.

The first thing I hear is screaming. It’s a horrible sound; painful. I take another breath and the screaming stops for a brief moment, only to start up again. It’s me. I’m screaming. I open my eyes, wince at the sudden light and hastily close them again. I’m still screaming, the wetness of my face is due to me crying. I’m crying through the blindness, through the deafening screaming.

I open my eyes again, blinking rapidly to keep my eyes moist. The tears help. There is one figure to the side of my vision. I can’t look. And I’m out of breath.
“Breathe damn it! Breathe!” I yell at myself.
The shout rings through my head as I remember how to inhale. The screaming melts into violent sobs.

There are arms around me and below me. One set warmer than theirs. I’m breathing. I don’t belong there. Her hair falls across my face as they all try to lift me clear of that dreaded box. She is here. I strangle out a sound which is drowned out almost instantly by more screaming, but from the isles this time. I should be dead. I should be getting carried out in my tomb right now to be placed in the cold, dead dirt. And yet, here I am, getting pulled from that box, clearly alive.

Some hands leave me. Others clasp and hold on as if I’m leaving again. Her arms encircle me completely. The weight of my body suddenly hits me and I collapse, softly as there are still hands holding me up. Her arms never leave me, we fall together. Sitting on that numbing wooden floor she holds me. She pulls me into her, into her own skin, her heart. It seems she will never let me go. Never. Never again.

They tell me that they love me, but it’s only hers I hear. She has said it so many times before but this is different. I can feel it in her arms, her body and her voice that she means it. I cry. She cries. We cry; more from shock and pain than anything. I should not be sitting here. What is going on? What is happening to me?

As we quiet down, I look around me. From what I can see through the legs and bodies of people around me there are still people sitting and standing well away from me. They don’t know if they should run or come over and see me. I wouldn’t blame them if they did run. This is not something that people prepare themselves for when coming to a funeral. They may hope for it, but they do not prepare for it.

People are on their phones. Calling friends, family, the authorities, I am not sure. The priest himself has moved slowly back towards us. He starts talking to my father and a few of my uncles. I am picked up and moved to one of the front seats. She’s still right next to me. She will not leave me; I’ll make sure of it. Looking up, I see the coffin again. From here it looks frightening; down right terrifying. I cry harder. She stands me up, leads me down the isle and out into the warm, clean afternoon air.

We sit on the pavers lining the garden bed of the great Oak outside the entrance of the church. She watches me, watches my face.
“I can’t..” She stutters. “I can’t believe.. You’re really here.. Are you really here?”
I cannot find me voice, despite the screaming and sobbing I’ve been doing.


----------------------------------------------------


Thats my major piece so far.. i need to think of a way to make it more.

Maybe i should get back to my writing haha.. or reading


Always love;


Sierra

It was my funeral, of that I am sure, because I was the one in the coffin.

There were rows upon rows of benches, the kinds you find in parks, not churches. They were not all full but more than half were, the back rows were empty except for a few people that felt they shouldn’t have been there or didn’t want to be seen.

My immediate family were in front, a different look on each face; Longing, indifference, curiosity, boredom, envy and anger. Behind them were rows of the rest of my family, more cousins than uncles and aunts. The benches to the sides held my friends, long lost and people I had seen only last week.

For them having to see me like this, I am sorry. I never wanted to be buried. I never wanted an open casket. What I wanted was to be burned, cremated, put into a box and placed under a white tree next to her tree, and for her to carve out names onto the trees. Our trees.

I suspect she was pissed. She would have fought with them. Tried to tell them my song preferences. Where and how I wanted to be laid to rest. I suspect she brought forth our letters as proof, my silly handwriting scrawled between the lines, claiming my wishes and commenting on hers.

She lost. She must have.


It was her face I searched for. Her face I felt. She came up to me, placed lilies and her last letter on my chest and left a kiss on my cheek. I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt her, she is the last person I would ever hurt and even then, not intentionally.

I choked. I gasped, coughed and choked again. My back arched as my lungs tried desperately to take the energy my heart was giving them, to fill with the needed air. The air that had been missing since the day they found me in that river. My legs kick, my back arches further, picking up off the oddly comfortable casket floor.

I hear nothing, see nothing, and taste chemicals. Another attempted breath. It’s like being smothered in reverse. There is a huge weight on my chest, making it agonising to move, to think. The weight gets lighter but still pushes ever downwards. It all hurts, everything, my heart most.

And then my chest gives. The air is filling all spaces inside me, from my god given mouth to my toes somewhere in the bottom of the casket. My brain is dull, sluggish and my ears are ringing. With my eyes closed, I feel something holding my knees down and something pressing into the bottom of my ribs. Something starts to run down my face in dull throbs.

The first thing I hear is screaming. It’s a horrible sound; painful. I take another breath and the screaming stops for a brief moment, only to start up again. It’s me. I’m screaming. I open my eyes, wince at the sudden light and hastily close them again. I’m still screaming, the wetness of my face is due to me crying. I’m crying through the blindness, through the deafening screaming.

I open my eyes again, blinking rapidly to keep my eyes moist. The tears help. There is one figure to the side of my vision. I can’t look. And I’m out of breath.
“Breathe damn it! Breathe!” I yell at myself.
The shout rings through my head as I remember how to inhale. The screaming melts into violent sobs.

There are arms around me and below me.




----------------------------------------------------------




Sitting in English Writing at the moment.. this is my current story in progress, im hoping to put a few different peoples points of views in there, told from different point of views.

Any comments? Advice?

Is loving this 1000 Journals idea


http://www.1000journals.com

http://www.1001journals.com


I want to start some of my own, first one kept plainly between people i know, then from there some ones to be sent out, hopefully some nice people end up with them when they are finished



"Those who find the journals add something to them. A story, drawing, photograph, anything really. Then they pass the journal along, to a friend or stranger, and the adventure continues."



What fun it would be, what wonders we could all see, from this one book alone.





There is also a journal, 114, lost. it was last known to be moving towards Hobart, Tasmania, Australia. if anyone knows its whereabouts or know anything about it, please do pass the information on to me so i can pass it through to the creator

"I believe people are in our lives for a reason. We're here to learn from each other."


Take my hand, ill show you how to fly, but first, untie those bags of sand from your belt.


We all have friends that, although we love them more than they'll know, get to us rather hard. The good things you say about them, the true things.. They just don't believe you, they don't want to hear them. You listen to their troubles, their reasons of hating the world, of hating life, you listen because you care, not because you can stand it. You listen, and secretly promise yourself not to do this to another living person. If you catch yourself on the bridge of it, you stop yourself fast. Slyly numb it down, change the topic without them noticing. You manage all this around your own life, your own troubles. You continue on this track for years and years. You love them. Knowing that listening to them, letting them get it out will possibly help in some way, even if its only in a small way, you will keep it up. You have your days where you just wish to run. To scream, kick, cry and break things. But you come back, you continue in your routine. Because you care. Because you love them, and you wish for them to feel better, to see what you see in them, even if it takes your last ounce of energy to do so.


"Often the test of courage is not to die but to live."


Cover my ears, blindfold me, gag me, bind me, drug me. I wish not to use these senses, if only for an hour.

If only you could purchase optimism from the drug store. Drug Store Optimism. Yes please.


"Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind."

Where ever is my energy.. I cant keep this up for much longer.

Forgiveness is love in its most noble form. So love me.

"I saw a liquid control
That gives life to a soul
I hit my head on it and woke up to know
That I was all alone
Wearing just socks and a phone
Someone's screaming like their world might explode"


Not feeling my best. And i know im late with my posts. Ill get better.

Catch up dot points on current happenings anyone?

- still no job
- still haven't moved out
- still haven't dropped school
- wanting to do a gap year in the defense force next year but thinking ill just forget that and join full time. i think i need the break and someone else to decide on everything for me
- broke up with my girlfriend. silly thing is, i knew i shouldn't trust her ha, not after what she did to me, to my family, and yet i did it anyway.. stupid stupid girl i am.
- school reports are being written this week.. i need to get alot of work in.
- new kitten. im half hearted towards it.. because its replacing my cat and her kitten and adopted kitten that died a few months back. that and my mother and brother have joint custody of it, even though its replacing my cats. im a jealous one aren't i?
- new friends
- finding old friends
- trouble up in my neighbourhood with some over confident teenagers. a broken back car window, roughed up father, cop calls and alot of unneeded stress later, still nothing can be done yet




really liking the song Map of Your Head by Muse at this point in time, a friend at school was singing to herself, i asked her to sing louder because she has a lovely voice (and secretly it was making me feel so much better) and she was singing this song. wonderful x


Bear (new kitten) is sitting on my lap watching my fingers as i type and hiding her intentions behind her purrs.. im going to get clawed in a second ha


mmm im going to have a week of silence. not going to text facebook message or msn and such.. but i thought, seening my blog isn't directed at anyone, i could still use that. i will talk to people face to face if needed, i have school of course, but other than that, no. oh and im still writing my letters but wont send them until after my week. see how that goes yes? hoping it makes me feel better, less crowded



best go,


always love,

Sierra

Totally exasperated.


I want to get my job and drop school. im told that i should land the job before i drop school, even though school isn't helping my TCE or any certificate at all.

I want answers. so badly.. help me?

Life.

Screw it.




Sierra.

Woke up today with a headache, not sure whats going on in my head but i can feel my heart beat and my blood pump through my body.

Yesterday was rather scary. i had quite the breakdown to a friend over chat.. which wasn't a good idea because i was sitting in the lounge with the laptop and it took all my effort and energy not to burst into tears.

I've decided i should get a move on with my life. i think what i need right now is the money to move out. school isn't paying me and that wouldn't bother me if i had money on the side. but truth is employers would rather hire full time workers than ones on the side. and id get a lot more money, quicker that way. we'll see.

Missing some friends that have moved from launceston. id give almost anything to have them next to me right now, i think it would be very reassuring to myself.


Made another blog yesterday, for my dreams. Its at http://and-as-she-closes-her-eyes.blogspot.com/ seems to be helping me manage my thoughts too. i always liked the idea of dreams meaning something so when finding out their meanings, they seem to clear things up in my mind ha.



Better go, its saturday and im meant to be writing.


always love,

Sierra

Today is a new day

the madness from the other day has kinda melted to nothing. im still stressed but im managing it well

ive decided im going to make another blog for my dreams and interpretations, it might help me understand them better.. well im hoping

another cold morning with no family in the house, parents will be home in one and a half hours and my brother in the back yard should be in with his friend soon.

i have a notepad next to me, it has quotes, dreams and such for the last few days.  seems comforting to have it right there in reach

feeling rather dazed.. maybe due to my dreams of late, maybe because im being made to believe one thing and then another and another, then find out the first was a lie, doubt the rest, find out the rest aren't, get told more shit, get told the others were lies.. ehh.

i need a holiday.



one day

Sierra

Its only four days into easter break and im wanting to go back to school just to see someone. is that sad of me? i mean i have so much homework i should have finished.. i should be doing it now. and i hate the idea im so late with it. i hate that i have to face those teachers. and yet i want to go back because its the only way ill see her. :/ i should get a life

So im craving people. im craving touch. and im craving chocolate eclairs. silly sierra. maybe ill get over it soon?

Watching the comedy festival :D love it haha :)

One of my friends on the mainland wont be coming back any time soon.. its tearing me up. shes the type of person i dont do well without. i haven't seen her in months and now i have a chance of never seeing her again.. :(

I actually have letters to write, so i should go

Until next time :)










Always love

Sierra

Ok so... i didnt end up coming back soon haha.. not sure why, but alot has happened.

i enrolled! i tried to make myself not become friends with people, to keep my head in my books. but it never worked haha and ive met some truely amazing people. im still keeping up with my work yes, a little behind in a subject or two but still there. thinking i should drop out.. work to get some money to move out or join the defence force.. im unsure.. but i really dont want to lose my friends.. i drifted from them last year after getting kicked out.. mmm


easter today :) no chocolate for me, oh i do love chocolate but we just didnt get around to it so it was just pancakes :) wonderful on its own :P


been writing out my entire life story the last few days for a friend. she'll be the first to hear/read it so im hoping she wont judge me on it but we'll see how that goes too..



better go before i get carried away, stay well x


always love,

Sierra

Well.. now that im here i haven't a clue what to write. I was curious as to whether or not i could keep up an online blog, sooo here i am.

better start with a quick skim over myself..?

Im an 18 yo bisexual sagittarius, i see through greeny blue eyes and brush short dirty blonde hair. Im 1 of 5 children, the middle child and only girl.


My likes/interests.

Books, writing my letters, art, quotes, poetry, music, design, photography, films, game developement, computers, architecture, tattoos; the design and designing, hair, repetition, colours, talking, laughing, smiles, memories, clothes... most people?

Sooo that is my quick go over, i suspect ill get alot more out later lol.

Best leave it there anyway, until tomorrow :)


Yours,
Sierra