Not entirely sure how i feel right now..
I guess it's a mixture of things? I gather the first would be confusion. Are you talking about me? You mentioned "the other one" and i can only think of one "other" seening I don't really get to talk to you about how your life is right now. "The other one" being the other involved while we were together? But if that is true, then have i done something wrong? Maybe I'm just thinking too much.. Which wouldn't be new. Like I said, I really don't know much about what is happening in your life right now so it could be someone I've never met that you directed that at. But if it is me.. Could you let me know? I'd just like to put my heart at rest.. Stop scratching my head and trying to think of what I could have done..
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Other than that though, I'm feeling energized, motivated and ready to prove something.
Those feelings and needs have me looking up when i walk, talking more and more, even to new people and opening up a little more every day. I'm certainly glad for this and I think it's helping me enjoy myself with what I've been dealt.
I want to be able to talk to people as me. In my own words, not carefully chosen and to be able to lower those walls I've worked so hard on building.
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I guess I'm also a tad scared, I can't get a thought out of my head. That I'm 21 years old and the average lifespan is 80 for a healthy person. That's a quarter of my life gone.
That in mind, it may only feel like yesterday when i couldn't reach the bench top to spread my own bread or I was learning to ride a bike with training wheels and elbow pads, but it took me those 21 years to get here and it really was quite a long time.
That settles me for a while.
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There's also a feeling of hopelessness, that I really have absolutely no control over how things will turn out in most aspects of my life. Who I will lose, what I will lose, what my loved ones will lose, but also what happens in their lives. I'm fine with the happy things, the things they earned and deserved, but not being able to stop the bad things? That is rather distressing when you over think this much.
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I got my first reply letter in months yesterday. The lovely sender now lives in the state again but there is something amazingly wonderful and soothing about receiving snail mail. The effort they put in to it and the part of themselves they send to you in that little envelope, it just seems to brighten your day and you can't help but want to.. need too write back so when they reply, you can feel this excited and happy all over again.
This person thinks of you and takes the effort and time to show that they do in fact care.
That kind of love, that kind of friendship is not the only thing this wonderful person shows me. They are amazing in every way and fit me perfectly. I am so lucky and so very blessed to know them and have them in my life.
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Goodnight.
I find myself lost in Fan Fiction atm, books/movies/tv shows i adore that they've picked characters i love and pulled them together. Some were never close in these stories, others hinted, and the rest were there in each others hearts but gave it up.
I guess im attached to the fan written stories because they share my need, my want for that perfect, moving, innocent and pure love that the original screen writers and authors denied us.
Not just in the movies and books though.. We want that love outside our imagination as well. To hope that something that... right could exist.. something that amazing could happen to us.
We meet someone on the street, in a store, at work, school, somewhere in our every day lives or by complete coincidence.. And all that sits in your mind from that moment on is them.
How they looked, their voice, their smell, their smile, laugh, eyes, mouth... And somehow you run into them again, and you realize you've never felt this way before. This person has your heart with a glance, they see you, your soul and are not frightened or repulsed. They feel it too.
And then when a spur of the moment impulse hits you and you tell them out loud what you've been feeling since you met, or maybe you lean in and steal a kiss, or completely sweep them off their feet.
And you're worries, concern and hope is lifted. They feel it too. They. Feel. It. Too.
I think that is what alot of us really seek. Someone you don't have to worry about trusting or loving too much because you know, without a doubt, that they love you back, completely, unconditionally and irrefutably. They love you in your entirety. Everything. They love you.
That would be the best feeling in the world, to know you will never truly be alone again.
Because you've found them. That person the fairy tales always feature. What you only believed to be legend.
You've found your one and only. Your true love. Your soul mate.
What a wonderful thought.
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Sara Bareilles - Gravity
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.
You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
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Now that.. Is the perfect song for me right now. I'm sorry Ro, but i really can't get you out of my mind. And I'm sorry for that. I know you're happy where you are right now, and I am happy too. I've realized that being sad that someone i love is happy makes no sense at all. So I am genuinely happy and grateful you have someone in your life that can make you smile and feel good about yourself. Make you feel special.. Like i should have done.
I missed my chance but I'm glad you had the courage to follow her.
You were always stronger than me. You asked me. I didn't even have the courage for that.
You were the bigger man, you had your backbone and your wings.. And I'm still searching for mine.
Congratulations Romeo. I'm so so very proud of you.
