Keep seeming to come back here. Must be habit, or perhaps I like having a separate but not quite secret place to go every now and again to get some of this out of my head for a little while.
It's been a while.. I'm not entirely sure what I want to write tonight. It's useless yet still seems to help, I ended up here after another night of stress, worry and exhaustion.
I guess I'm happy.. ish atm. It's not quite happiness, more like a mixture of excitement, pride and relief with a shit tonne of worry on top. My brother is off to the mainland today.. Literally leaves in an hour or two for the airport. He's going to be working near Uluru, at the resorts there and working towards a couple of different certs. I can tell he's excited, but he's also been very testy and grumpy because of how nervous he is. I'd love to take his place.. But could I really leave when it came down to it?
Everything has been piling up lately. Oh how close I am to breaking, I must be close to one of those "You just need to let it out every now and again" moments. My last "moment" had me crumble in front of my mother. I knew it was coming and I had the sense to warn her, but it seems it's still rather difficult to talk through violent sobs while trying to see ahead of you. You'd think we'd get better at something like that. Practice makes perfect after all ha. Mmm..
Cannot seem to stand myself lately. My own company has actually driven me to get out and see people. Travel to town and go to baby showers.. I even have a cinema trip with a friend planned this week and have signed up for a work do.. Well no.. That previously mentioned friend signed me up for it.. But she's adorable and for some strange... Or not so strange reason... I feel like I can trust her. I don't think she'd ever hurt me and I need that now. She's amazing.. Definitely a keeper haha.
Getting to the point of being harder and harder to get up in the morning. I wonder if it's caused by the loneliness or perhaps just this.. environment? that I'm currently stuck in.. Have to look into that. But the loneliness is somewhat depressing. I can have these 6 people around me every day, or the other 5-15 that I'm attached to, and still I find myself disgusted with myself and forcing myself to smile, laugh and join in when things get worse.
Pathetic..
I did see a few past friends a few weeks ago. I saw Her and one of our mutual friends in town. The mutual friend was pleasant but it was Her that spotted me. It was somewhat nice to talk again.. Only somewhat because seeing Her only made me think of..
They seemed genuinely uncomfortable at first. Here I am, completely out of my comfort zone, ready to flee at any second, and they're the ones uncomfortable? A few minutes after harmless chatter it seemed to get easier. It's odd like that.. As long as you can avoid the topic that came between you all in the first place, you can pretend it's just like old times again.
Besides that, I seem to be getting a little attention from some rather lovely people all of a sudden. I think not being able to stand myself and actually having to look around for better company has me making new friends and has me coming out of my shell more and more.
Now that part of my life I'm fine with. That in itself is wonderful and all I wanted for months, to be able to get myself out of this hole.. And now I'm doing it, with alot of help from these lovely people that seem more than willing to give me a hand. I can do this. I believe it more and more each day that passes. With the help of old love, eternal friends and new faces, I'm totally going to be able to do this.
Goodnight.
"When life leaves you high and dry
I'll be at your door tonight
If you need help, if you need help.
I'll shut down the city lights,
I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe
To make you well, to make you well.
When enemies are at your door
I'll carry you away from war
If you need help, if you need help.
Your hope dangling by a string
I'll share in your suffering
To make you well, to make you well.
Give me reasons to believe
That you would do the same for me.
And I would do it for you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on
I'll love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You will never sleep alone.
I'll love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.
When you fall like a statue
I'm gon' be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet.
And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me.
Tell me what you need, what do you need?
I surrender honestly.
You've always done the same for me.
So I would do it for you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on,
I'll love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You will never sleep alone.
I'll love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.
You're my back bone.
You're my cornerstone.
You're my crutch when my legs stop moving.
You're my head start.
You're my rugged heart.
You're the pulse that I've always needed.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum my heart never stops beating...
For you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on.
I'll love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You will never sleep alone.
I'll love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on,
I'll love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You will never sleep alone.
I'll love you long, long after you're gone.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you.
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.
I'll love you long after you're gone, gone, gone."
------------------------------------------------------
New favorite. I do believe this song fits absolutely perfectly with how I'm feeling right at this moment, along with..
------------------------------------------------------
"You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you"
------------------------------------------------------
It's funny how you fall in with a song that seems it was sung specifically for you, at this exact moment in your life. I guess that's how they're meant to be but still.. Makes you feel just that little bit less lonely at times you need that hand up.
It's strange.. I can't seem to get you out of my head these last few weeks.
I never really forgot you, it's just more so now.
I've become somewhat.. absent these last few years. To describe it better, I feel empty. Like there is nowhere for me now and nowhere for me to go. If I try and look ahead, all I see is failure or being stuck in a dead end job for the rest of my life. When I think of love, I see a lonely woman. I don't see myself dying of old age and I don't see children and grand children around me. I don't see me owning my own house or buying my own car let alone driving myself. It's odd when you think about it. I'm 22 years old and have had no life plan to strive towards.
If I had to give a reason to this I'd say I was depressed. But over what I am unsure.
Thankfully not many of the people in my life have realized this because I'm still very good at hiding my sadness. Not something to be proud of but until I get myself sorted, it's the best chance I have so as not to hurt those that know me.
All that said, when my head isn't full of thoughts of you, they are full of thoughts of my future, and despite how frustrated and upset I get thinking about it, I've already begun making plans to fix my future. The goals are still hazy but I know what I want, I just need to find ways of getting there.
On another note, due to thinking and worrying about you these past few weeks, I have taken up your tattoo request again. And with this new "look inside yourself" habit I have, I know why I never finished this sooner for you. I was worried it wouldn't be perfect. I found a solution though, I am going to give you multiples. Put down different ideas so you can pick or perhaps ask me to focus more time on your favorite out of them and the like. I think this way I will be able to finish them quite soon.
I would like a little help though, I know I came across it before and most probably asked you as well but for some reason all I remember is the year she became your angel. Would it be wrong of me to ask her birth date and passing date of you, for the banners? I'd like to try out some calligraphy but of course if you don't like the samples I send you, you can pick your own.
I was checking on your last post before I started this, and the time between posts scares me a little.. I'm not sure if hoping will do any good, but I do hope you return here every now and again. It was always our getaway and I do believe I'll be living here while I go through this rather panic filled reevaluation of myself, but of course if not then I'll leave the post for a while and simply forward it to your inbox.
I got sidetracked earlier, reading your last post. I kept scrolling. We had some difficult times didn't we? All that trouble caused by "the other girl" seemed to take up alot of our time haha.. There was so much more I wanted to learn about you and it seemed life had different plan. Despite that, I'd love to know what life handed you after school ended.
Perhaps I'll hear from you soon, perhaps not, but for what it's worth, I do miss you terribly. Seems I've been neglecting alot of my friends these last few years.
"Chandelier"
Party girls don't get hurt
Can't feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down
I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
Throw em back, till I lose count
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
Throw em back till I lose count
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
-----
Something needs to change in my life. Some things.
So so many things.. But the question is.. Can I change them? Do I have the heart? The courage? The will..?
Now that is the right question.
Can I throw off my disguise, reveal myself to those that I have surrounded myself with, show them myself in all my glory and shame?
Can I make that decision of which I am terrified to even consider, the one decision they make you think on over and over, since the moment you can manage to put a coherent sentence together in your mind and use the words they've been teaching you to express yourself with, right through until that very last day of school and for most of us, even longer.
Can I manage to gather this pitiful, messy, sorry excuse of an existence into a decent, honest, worthwhile life? Something I can look back on and be proud of?
Can I finally release myself from this silly habit of avoiding all people that show even the slightest hint of interest in me?
Can I get myself out of this house more than a few nights a week. Actually see the sun rise and set? See faces of those I love and miss? Spend time with them and talk to someone instead of staring at a screen for the great majority of my day?
Why do I do this to myself? Because I feel unworthy. I know I've messed up just as much as the next person if not more and I've ruined some truly wonderful things and turned my back on some utterly amazing people..
All because I felt unworthy of them.
Inside this head and heart of mine I have an image of myself. That image is becoming weak.. I can see through it some days, and I start to believe that these people do actually love me, that I'd be missed when I leave this world, that people do think of me.. Miss me when I'm not around.
And when I see those glimpses.. I am happy. Happier than I've ever been with myself.
And then I know that I have to try. I have to try to get better. To sort everything out. To fix my life.. Otherwise I'll be stuck here on the sidelines for the rest of my life, lonely and aching, with nothing to look forward to, nothing to hold, nothing to show for my life.. And I don't think.. I really don't think I can handle that.
Things are about to change. In a big way.
And if anyone that knows me reads this.. I may need some help.. If you can spare it.
Some days you can smile and laugh and enjoy yourself so thoroughly that nothing can dampen your mood. Everything is bright and cheerful and you're just so so happy that this is your life, this is your day and no one will ruin that for you.
Then there are those days you want nothing more than to run screaming from the room. To find a quiet, isolated place where you can curl up and forget everything and everyone and just cry or sleep and get away from it all.
Sometimes those days stretch into weeks, then fortnights, then months and even years.
It has been a very bad couple of months with only the rare few happy days scattered within.
The worst and most heartbreaking moment of the last few months has been losing my cousin in a terrible accident.
He was older than me, a bright young man with a big future all planned out. He had a family that adored him and a little boy that idolized him.
After losing both their parents and their uncle in a motor vehicle accident only a few years ago, the family of four were moving on, starting their lives, enjoying the little things and the big things.
And so our family is hit with yet another tragedy when this man, my cousin, passed away a little over a month ago.
He was staying at his brothers house. In the early hours of the morning he was awoken by the dogs barking in the yard. He lent on the window to try and quiet them down. It was old glass that is not allowed to be used anymore. The glass shattered, cutting his right arm and severing the main artery under his arm.
He bled out quickly and was technically dead for 40 minutes before the paramedics managed to restart his heart.
He was taken to hospital but he was not conscious.
That night the doctors told us that he had no brain activity but were going to bring his temperature up to try the tests again.
We visited him along with the vast majority of our extended family. We are large in number and i do believe the hospital was shocked at the amount of people waiting in the hallway throughout the next few days.
He looked as though he were sleeping. If one ignored all the tubes and machines, you'd think that if you simply said his name loud enough, he'd wake up, grumble about more sleep and roll over. But he did not wake up. He did not stir.
That night it was confirmed that there was no brain activity and that he would not wake up.
They kept him hooked up to the machines due to being an organ donor and to give some friends and family time to say their last goodbyes.
His boy.. His little boy knew there was something wrong but couldn't quite understand why his father was not waking up.
His funeral, held at the same place as his parents and laid to rest in the same graveyard as his parents, was beautiful. The song Hey Brother by Avicii was used at the ceremony and fit him perfectly. His little boy was the first to place a rose upon his fathers grave, standing close to the edge and looking to his auntie for an explanation as to why this happened. Why did he have to say goodbye to his dad? As soon as he started to cry, the heartbreaking love and loss plain on his face, my mask crumbled.
It is.. Hard.. Always hard to lose a family member, a friend, someone you knew from a very young age, a face you saw often growing up and whose sisters and brother held so highly i doubt he could even see the ground. He was the glue of the family. He kept an eye on his siblings, protected them, helped them up when things got rough.
I wish with all my heart that this had never happened, that he had gotten the chance to watch his son grow up, to catch more fish and to cause more trouble, to fall in love again and again and to get married and perhaps have even more children. To have one more beer with his mates and to play one more game of footy with his team. To grow old. To know that his mother and father would have been so proud of the man he had become.
But life is unexpected. It is cold and hurtful, loving and beautiful, hilarious and infuriating, wonderful and sadistic, full of people you wish to meet, others to avoid and people you simply chance upon and become so close that they share that life with you.
I am still numb to the whole ordeal. I cannot seem to accept it.. and I think it will be a very long time before i can.
Peace.. I wish him peace.
Bad bad bad night last night. I realised how long it's been since i had cried; really cried.
It was one of those horrid moments where you know you're not doing well inside your head and heart and you try so hard to swallow that lump and sort out your thoughts as fast as possible. Racing your eyes to your hearts troubled pains. It started off slow. I froze when it happened. That instant that id heard/read/seen something that my heart couldn't handle. Finally tipping me over the edge. It was stupid, something i shouldn't even care so much about but i guess unconsciously i felt different.
I read what they were saying, some of them trying to be nice, others indifferent, and the few that just couldn't seem to stay civil. Those were the ones that did it. They pushed at me, saying horrid hurtful things and i just sat there and stared. Re reading it over and over.
A few minutes later i lay in the dark, three others in my house moving and waking around. I kept thinking, "they're silly, they're probably just kids, they dont even know me." And then the worry of the previous going ons came back into my thoughts and i had to sort through it all, trying so desperately to just close my eyes and forget all about it.
And then i curled into a tiny ball, hugged my head to my chest, yelling at myself inside my mind to stop, not to stress, that i was fine.
I think i untangled myself and then returned to that little ball about 4-5 times before i had that one thought. That bad and self destructing thought.
I dont matter.
I.
Dont.
Matter.
As soon as that last word was uttered inside my head, i shattered. I hugged myself tighter, let out a defeated groan of anguish and cried. Hard.
It's been years since ive cried with such force, it was like a dam breaking, everything i am just fell out. I couldnt breathe, i couldnt console myself, i couldnt stop myself from gasping so loudly or from shaking.
All i could do was hold myself.
My cat seemed to instantly know i was upset in some way, she'd moved rather quickly to the spot beside my head when i had first curled up into a ball. When the tears came she moved her face into mine, touching her nose softly here and there across it. She touched the tears but never licked them, like she simply wanted to catch them. And as the violent shaking and the tears started to ease i turned my head towards her only to have the most knowing eyes staring back at me. She didnt move, only a few centimeters from me and stayed like that. I took a shaky breath and said her name, she instantly started to purr, but still did not touch me. Not until i moved on my own to rub my hand from her head to her back.
She purred louder and rubbed against me. I rolled over and let her beneath the top blanket, where she usually walks to the bottom of the bed and sleeps. But instead, that night she went down to her spot, turned and returned to beside my head, still under the covers but able to watch me.
And i fell asleep to her purring.
I do love cats, but ive only ever owned one at a time. I like their fur and their tails, their eyes and the fact they can sit and watch something for hours and still be mesmerized by it.
But until last night i believed cats may only think of us as food machines or their personal servants. What my cat did is what i would expect from a dog that you'd had since a puppy and that had unconditional love for you. She actually cared for me. She made sure i was alright, comforted me, and knew that i needed that little help to get through.
Safe to say my dreams were pleasant and the stress, pain, humiliation and worry all but vanished as i fell peacefully to sleep last night.
