See.. i never did love myself. never have, never will. and so.. sadly my best and worst trait is that i have extra love to give. when i give that love to someone.. haha its not leaving any time soon, as to why i made rules for my lovers. and so.. im caught like a snorkeler in his own net.
I am receding. i know i am. i still look into those eyes and want to grab her. i want to scream, scream it loud. but i cant. and i wont.
I will not do this.. i will not hurt what is left. i will love what we first had, why we began to talk. i will love her from afar, i shall laugh and smile with her, talk with her, listen, take her with me or follow her.. but i can never.. i can never do what i did. i can never hurt her again.
Ha im still confused as to how its her fault. i feel the guilt so thick. i feel my pulse constantly, cant stop crying, cant stop my stomach from flipping, my balance from failing, my mind from the one thing nor can i feel anything but this.
It must have been me, she was perfect to me in every way ha.. i had to have something wrong here. something so obvious to her, but hidden from myself.
They always leave. or i run. i run when i know i cant stop myself, or that i know more is coming. it will hurt more to stay.. wont it?
I want to leave. take a bag, some money and leave. i know Delta will never let me go.. she'd follow me to the ends of the earth and further if i needed it. wanted it.
Why cant i find such love she has for me, so wonderful, so simply, so pure, with someone else? why? because i tied myself to her. forever and more.. and i now breathe for it. for this.
I breath for her. completely and indefinitely, until she will have me no more.
Still numb. and it still hurts. it hurts more that she seems unable to talk to me anymore. im fine with any contact with her, and yet she does not want it, she makes it seem like i was the one that brought it on. inside im guilt stricken.. trying to figure out what i did wrong to bring this on.
I have no footing in this at all. i only stand back and watch. i think it good that this is all i get. otherwise id be much worse.
I still hold my breath when i see them. i dont know how to act most days. whether to say nothing or be polite and talk to or back.
So i smile and wave. give them the idea im fine. can you see through it other than in my writing? i think im doing good, compared to what i was like.
I want her back. ha if only our friendship. i need that. i talk to the second more than her. its rather different. and confronting.
I want her to know that i do love her, maybe never to the same extent, or at least admit it, but i do and i will always stand beside her, help her up when she needs the hand and save her when she needs it most.
What to do..
