I have decided i have to get out of this house as soon as possible. I love my parents, very much so.. but the others here are just making me feel so very sick.
I gather moving away will give me my own space and time that i need, as well as take the majority of my stress and anxiety away.
The girl living with us is a messy teenage mother. I love her baby and i can get along fine with the girl. But to have to pick up after her when she should know to do it herself (not the baby, she can't walk yet) or wash herself or the baby, or even help out with the little things is driving me crazy. To know that she has herself in a state of mind that we will do anything and everything for her with nothing in return, to think she expects us to fork out for her when she has been careless and indulgent with her own money, to see her deliberately pick at members of my family until they snap just to go running to her own friends and family is really pissing me off.
But what is directly damaging me myself is the fact that she is almost always sick at least once a week.. sure. sickness is a part of life. but i mean she is sick to the point of vomiting. One day its because the bar in her arm has her body thinking she is pregnant and giving her morning sickness. The next she has been careless and brought home a stomach bug that she then gives to my brother and her own mother and sister because she refuses to wash her hands after using the bathroom. The next she has completely and utterly gorged herself on sweets to the point of making herself sick.
I can't stand such sickness. It is a thing that will send me running, that will have me locked up in my bedroom for days, barely wishing to use the bathroom and seeing my mother and father because of fear of catching, hearing, seeing or smelling the sick/ness.
It is called Emetophobia. It is an irrational fear and anxiety of anything to do with vomiting. It is extremely common and you probably even know someone with it. I doubt I'll ever have kids for fear of the morning sickness. I rarely drink, wont over eat, dislike eating out, eating meat is a big wall for me, if it has been put back in the freezer after buying it from the store, odds are i wont eat it. I have to watch the meat being cooked and almost always over cook it. I have to wash my hands constantly and sanitize them even more, which leads to sore hands from the very hot water and a chemically smell is usually floating around me. I barely eat sugar and when i do i am sure never to over indulge. And i can not handle going to the doctors or ER or visiting patients at the hospital for fear of catching something.
Whats more and this is my biggest problem at this moment in time, when someone is ill that i know, family, friends, anyone near me telling me they were recently sick.. It makes my sense shut down. I have it into my head somewhere that if i do not eat, then i will not vomit, and having those people so close sets it off. i can miss a day of eating or longer because i am so terrified that i have caught what they have/had that i think if i eat i will be sick.
Dont get me wrong. i love food. When people are healthy around me, i eat more than the majority of my family can. But when someone gets ill, i feel ill.
It is getting better, all of that. The other night my mother was violently ill from drinking that night and i made myself stay calm and got through the night listening and knowing i wouldn't get sick. Tonight the girl has been sick from over eating her sweets again and i am sitting here fine, not a cringe, not a nervous tick anywhere.
Actual contagious sickness is my next hill to climb over.
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Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year x
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I had a dream last night that a friend of mine, a colleague did something.. something i did not enjoy.. and i have it stuck in my head. Its one of those feelings where you want to tell the person off about it. To tell them that it was not right.. but then it clicks over again and you realize you can't accuse them of something they never really did.
I wonder if that makes me a little insane?
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"We are little flames.."
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I need my sleep so i will leave you (directed at anyone who happens across this..) with a thought on the 21st.
I know it is talked about alot lately, the end of the world on the 21/12/12 but its playing on my mind.
I do not believe the world will end. Why? Because NASA had to stand up and actually talk some sense into people. NASA. The name rings a bell to anyone no matter where you grew up. NASA has been keeping track of all asteroids and comets that could pose a threat. They found none within our range of tracking. There will be no solar flare, no zombie apocalypse, no virus outbreak and WWIII isn't about to start on the 21st. how do i know that last one? Simple.
Think about it. We have been told by hundreds that the Mayans calendar is wrong, they've given us many reasons. But still the majority of us have the curiosity still wriggling inside us. No it will not end. But what if..? The majority of the population of earth will be holding their breath, looking to the stars, wont be going out at night on the 21st simply just because of that "what if?" I doubt any nation will be gathering their forces to destroy the planet in a day just so.. just so what? there will be no one left to say.. "wow.. it actually happened..". there are the astronauts you say..? you mean the ones in space at this very moment? yeah.. there is three logged astronauts away from the planet right now.. who are they going to facebook the news to?
Anyhow.. I've had my rant..
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"If only.."
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Posted by
Sierra Lima Juliet Tango
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