I have decided i have to get out of this house as soon as possible. I love my parents, very much so.. but the others here are just making me feel so very sick.
I gather moving away will give me my own space and time that i need, as well as take the majority of my stress and anxiety away.
The girl living with us is a messy teenage mother. I love her baby and i can get along fine with the girl. But to have to pick up after her when she should know to do it herself (not the baby, she can't walk yet) or wash herself or the baby, or even help out with the little things is driving me crazy. To know that she has herself in a state of mind that we will do anything and everything for her with nothing in return, to think she expects us to fork out for her when she has been careless and indulgent with her own money, to see her deliberately pick at members of my family until they snap just to go running to her own friends and family is really pissing me off.
But what is directly damaging me myself is the fact that she is almost always sick at least once a week.. sure. sickness is a part of life. but i mean she is sick to the point of vomiting. One day its because the bar in her arm has her body thinking she is pregnant and giving her morning sickness. The next she has been careless and brought home a stomach bug that she then gives to my brother and her own mother and sister because she refuses to wash her hands after using the bathroom. The next she has completely and utterly gorged herself on sweets to the point of making herself sick.
I can't stand such sickness. It is a thing that will send me running, that will have me locked up in my bedroom for days, barely wishing to use the bathroom and seeing my mother and father because of fear of catching, hearing, seeing or smelling the sick/ness.
It is called Emetophobia. It is an irrational fear and anxiety of anything to do with vomiting. It is extremely common and you probably even know someone with it. I doubt I'll ever have kids for fear of the morning sickness. I rarely drink, wont over eat, dislike eating out, eating meat is a big wall for me, if it has been put back in the freezer after buying it from the store, odds are i wont eat it. I have to watch the meat being cooked and almost always over cook it. I have to wash my hands constantly and sanitize them even more, which leads to sore hands from the very hot water and a chemically smell is usually floating around me. I barely eat sugar and when i do i am sure never to over indulge. And i can not handle going to the doctors or ER or visiting patients at the hospital for fear of catching something.
Whats more and this is my biggest problem at this moment in time, when someone is ill that i know, family, friends, anyone near me telling me they were recently sick.. It makes my sense shut down. I have it into my head somewhere that if i do not eat, then i will not vomit, and having those people so close sets it off. i can miss a day of eating or longer because i am so terrified that i have caught what they have/had that i think if i eat i will be sick.
Dont get me wrong. i love food. When people are healthy around me, i eat more than the majority of my family can. But when someone gets ill, i feel ill.
It is getting better, all of that. The other night my mother was violently ill from drinking that night and i made myself stay calm and got through the night listening and knowing i wouldn't get sick. Tonight the girl has been sick from over eating her sweets again and i am sitting here fine, not a cringe, not a nervous tick anywhere.
Actual contagious sickness is my next hill to climb over.
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Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year x
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I had a dream last night that a friend of mine, a colleague did something.. something i did not enjoy.. and i have it stuck in my head. Its one of those feelings where you want to tell the person off about it. To tell them that it was not right.. but then it clicks over again and you realize you can't accuse them of something they never really did.
I wonder if that makes me a little insane?
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"We are little flames.."
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I need my sleep so i will leave you (directed at anyone who happens across this..) with a thought on the 21st.
I know it is talked about alot lately, the end of the world on the 21/12/12 but its playing on my mind.
I do not believe the world will end. Why? Because NASA had to stand up and actually talk some sense into people. NASA. The name rings a bell to anyone no matter where you grew up. NASA has been keeping track of all asteroids and comets that could pose a threat. They found none within our range of tracking. There will be no solar flare, no zombie apocalypse, no virus outbreak and WWIII isn't about to start on the 21st. how do i know that last one? Simple.
Think about it. We have been told by hundreds that the Mayans calendar is wrong, they've given us many reasons. But still the majority of us have the curiosity still wriggling inside us. No it will not end. But what if..? The majority of the population of earth will be holding their breath, looking to the stars, wont be going out at night on the 21st simply just because of that "what if?" I doubt any nation will be gathering their forces to destroy the planet in a day just so.. just so what? there will be no one left to say.. "wow.. it actually happened..". there are the astronauts you say..? you mean the ones in space at this very moment? yeah.. there is three logged astronauts away from the planet right now.. who are they going to facebook the news to?
Anyhow.. I've had my rant..
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"If only.."
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I don't mind your birthday Romeo.. It's usually a lovely day. Sun, happiness, people you love around you. And it doesn't only happen to you haha.. Yesterday was a great day. Overall i did nothing but sleep late, spend time with my nephew, sent him off to the park with the parents and then went to work. I would like to know how you spent your special day?
I never hate your birthday. But i hate the day that came after. That was the day i lost you, after i left to work. Here's something i never told you about that night.
Do you recall our rather short friend, that is now a new mother and loves to skate? Seening we're on the internet I'll keep her name out of it, but she used to visit me at the pit alot. She goes by a nickname and hates her real name. I'm hoping by now you know who i am talking about haha.
She spent the night on the day i lost you. She used to do it frequently. Just turn up and bunk with me. Nothing ever went on during those nights, i just enjoyed the company since i never really share a bed with anyone, and i think she was just lonely that night as well.
Not long after your news, i told her. She was a comfort to have. The next morning she dragged me into town to meet up with my close friend Dear and another close friend of ours. We spent the day drinking under a bridge near town. They wanted to cheer me up and it worked while i sat still. It was a good day, inside not so much.. But these people that i love, decided to come together to distract me, to keep my mind off the girl they knew i was unconditionally in love with. I don't deserve such people in my life.. But i met you, i met them, i met countless more that continue to amaze me every time i see them or talk to them.
It's always baffled me.
--
I'm still here though Romeo.. I'm still listening and watching. I wont leave you, so you never have to feel alone.. Forgotten. Never will you be left to such feelings if i can help it. I am always and will always be here for you. xx
If Only.
Not sure whats wrong with me at the moment.. I can handle the daily aches and pains, even with my knee doing it's shitty little bone on bone rubbing and popping out, and this damn side with its constant pinching, stabbing and twisting pains, and i'm not even fazed about the war wounds from work.. But this feeling i have sitting on my chest, keeping me up for hours and hours, that has me questioning everything i am.. I really don't know how to fix it, handle it or somewhat balance it.
It's like a weight, of sorts. The kind you get when you have an opportunity you've been waiting for for years right in front of you and you don't take the leap. The kind where you feel like you want to.. Need to leave this place you call home and find a new corner to begin again. The kind that leaves you exhausted, cold, angry, miserable, lonely and heart broken all at once.
What do you do with yourself when such a thing comes along?
I feel like life is passing me by. Like i need to find someone now. Someone i will share the rest of my life with.. Because that is all that could be missing right? Can that be all? Can this small but amazing thing be all that is keeping me from complete and utter happiness?
Maybe.. Maybe not. I want a direction for my life to travel. One that continues upward instead of flat. One that gives me rewards, not embarrassment. One that i can tell people about if they ask and they would say that simple word that makes you bloom inside. "Wow". Such a small, overlooked word. But when you talk about something you love, adore, cherish; maybe your first child, or the fact you know own your house at only 26 or so, or maybe even that promotion, or simply meeting that one person and being able to tell someone everything about him or her.. That one word.. Wow.. You immediately shine.
"If I'd have said I love you, she'd have said it back, and then everything would have been different."
I'm lonely, i know that. I've always been a naturally lonely person. I'm told constantly by others that i don't need to be.. But it's easier said than done. What most don't know is that i find myself.. Simply not seeking. Like i don't need that second half. There are days, weeks, months that i can be completely content in my happiness here. Now. Alone.
And then there are the days my heart tries to tear it's way out of my chest for all to see. To be able to present itself as if to say "I am here, I am still beating. Care."
"Calling all angels. Calling all angels. Walk me through this one, don't leave me alone."
I need to get back to writing my letters.. But I've lost alot of motivation over the months.. Pathetic aye? I can write in my blog, but haven't the will to pick up a pen.. I guess maybe that's because i want to write to her. And if i write to her.. Unlike an online blog, my handwriting will give me away..
I need courage. For many, many things right about now. Help?
If only.
I know how that feels Romeo, i do believe i had one as well, so no harm done.
I'm fine with such posts though, something like this.. writing it all out for someone else to read makes it easier than writing it in a book and closing it, or ripping it up or even setting it alight. I shall always be here to read through your troubles and help ease your heart where ever i can.
I do want to write to you again, i have something for you as well. I'll wait until you see this and hope for an inbox with your address so i can send you my letter and such along straight away.
Your letters are the most amazing thing.. I haven't been writing much lately but for some reason still find myself reading back over your letters and even Delta's when i can't help myself. But i must say hers doesn't bring the same thoughts up, and I'm sure she's glad about that.
And there will always be a part of mine that you can call yours as well. I shall be looking forward to your reply and hopefully soon after, your inbox. I do apologize for the delay, my life has been.. Everywhere. But soon Romeo, soon.
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I feel i need to separate this, although i know the main reason i write on here is because i know there is at least one other that reads this still. But this is of my current inner workings, and not a blog reply.
I'm unsure what this feeling is and how to describe it.. It is like a huge animal has pushed me down and is standing on me, digging its claws into my chest, constricting my lungs and making it harder and harder to send brain signals throughout my body.
I am getting better though. Health wise at least. The weight is picking up and i haven't fainted in months. I had a dizzy spell at work the other day but i know the cause for that so i am not too concerned. My ribs no longer show, the muscles in my upper arms are building back up and i can walk for longer. My eyes are still sensitive and any sort of wound i get seems to take an awful long time healing. That said, I recently caught a cold and usually during this.. "sickness?" i would look terrible throughout the colds' cycle. I'd be completely pale and could barely move, and as a result the cold would last for weeks. But this time around i am told i looked great, simply the usual overall tired look. I had nothing to worry about. It lasted 4-6 days tops and i had no raw skin around my nose, nor did i have much trouble sleeping. I feel great and am so happy with that.
But my heart.. I am in a rather horrible feud with myself. A feud that involves several topics, the most pressing and hardest to get my head around is the want.. The need for someone, something maybe? I am unsure. It's to the point I'd love to simply invite someone to my house, for no other reason than to fall asleep beside me, be able to have the weight of someone else next to me. Sharing my space and in a way, my trouble, my mind.. My life.
But i understand not many people would agree to something so.. Unlike today's habits. I mean i see many people my age, dressing in things designed, i believe, simply to stop you in your tracks and drag you along drooling behind them. And i have to dig my heels in. Not even i, the elusive and sneaky hard shelled girl i am, could resist the majority of women that walk past me these days. People expect sex. People expect something to come from such a thing. There is my problem. Sure i have numerous friends, all of which i love dearly. But only a handful know me well enough to figure out that i am just not like the larger percentage. Give me a warm bed, company and a movie and that's all i expect. I am not a bad girl. I am not secretly marking down names of people i WILL have. I am not one to stalk or insist on some sort of compensation. I am simply, at this moment in time..
Lonely.
I cannot stop regretting things. Of that night on the trampoline, or skipping that one class i want nothing more than to be sitting in right now, for letting go of so many people I'd love to be standing next to me.. So so many things that if i had done, my life would not be like it is at this moment in time. I'd be a different person and I'm unsure if that bothers me or not.
I need guidance.. I need someone to sit me down, scream at me, push at me and tell me straight out what i need to do and where i need to go. Now.
If only..
Romeo. I want you to read this and know i would not lie through our only no limit place. What ever you are feeling or were feeling as you see my name and post date, push it to the back of your mind so you don't close this window completely. I ask for a few minutes of your time.
The truth, and as blunt as i can get it as to hope you read it before/if you decide you don't want to.
She is a liar. She bends her stories and her friends lives to amuse herself and then drag them back through the mud just to laugh at them again.
I know i shouldn't have but i did listen as she told me. At this point i was rather horribly stressed myself, due to home troubles, weight trouble and a few loses in the family. I believed her, at least long enough to scream my words into Blogger. An indirect vent at the only person on my mind, and for that i am deeply sorry that it had to be you. A few weeks had past and id forgotten all about the post, until of course we ran into that snag online.
We cleared it up rather roughly but i didn't put as much effort into it as i should have so that was completely my fault. After our snag, another week or two past and she started on me. I gather Elmo decided to relay my comments to you back to her and i must say i didn't care what so ever. What she heard were the bad things i said about her, and i was practically laughing as i read her angry inboxes. Why did i laugh? because i had always known, those times at college and her "sure im dating her but i really like you" moments. Her stories about lost loves and how they changed every bloody time she told them, like it was fine to make up such things with both you and myself sitting there, where you had already lost so much, and myself being dragged back to the memory of searching for hours, helpless for my best friends body.
It was then i remembered the post, but was dragged away again. I wanted to delete it, and hope that you never had to see such idiocy, that i could just forget that i was ever fool enough to let her plant those thoughts in my head.
I know you. I may not know you as well as i once did, or as well as many others, but i know you enough to have been able to smell the rat when she crawled her way in between us.
I do not blame you for hating me right now, and i loved you like no other, despite how feeble and hesitant i seemed. I was always like that. I never sought after what others would always need. For me, touch was enough comfort, at least until i could somehow steal you away from the so many we surrounded ourselves with during that year. But we rarely managed it, and when we did, my backbone failed me. More times than i can count i had wanted to intercept you. Stop you right there and then no matter if you were with me at the time or with some other. I wanted to show you just how much you meant to me. Back then it just seemed so hard. Like i had something to lose.. When i didn't even realize it was you because i didn't take those chances.
I don't want to make you feel bad, i just want you to understand that i never hated you, i never will hate you, i may have days where i can become so loud in my own little typing world that it feels like I've dragged the entire world in here with us.. But i never mean anything by it. Perhaps think of it as a moment when your childhood friend or mother upsets you, and all you do is wish harm on them, even for a second, no matter how minute or extreme, and when that moment has past, you realize how much you would have lost, and curse yourself for even thinking any of it.
You are such an innocent girl, so vibrant, so happy and so beautiful, and yet you still manage to hide all of this inside your heart and mind for so long. Strength and loyalty is a highly sought after thing.. and i wish i had even half as much as you do now.
I wish your heart finds peace and your mind a similar calm state. Such stress and mourning can leave marks long after such things have come to pass. I will always be here, checking back for you when i can no longer hold myself back.
The binge drinking may be bad though.. Maybe try separating yourself from those who influence you the most for a few days at a time, and then maybe a week.. the need will pass, and then the want, and I'm sure the voice is tied to those. I keep drinking to one night a year and even then its only a little. I had a bad case of binge drinking in my first two years of college and i still have the marks. Hairline fractures, ribs that were never set right and an unbelievable fear of vomiting and driving. I never ate while drinking, couldn't sleep while drinking and had to walk through the streets at around 4-6am due to a horrible sickly feeling id get the morning after.
Time away may do you and your mother some good. See if you two can get a break and go down to a beach along the coast. I recommend Chain of Lagoons, although i think they call it something else now, I'll get back to you on that.
Romeo.. I do love you, and i know the possibility of us again is almost equal to that of you and her again, but i am ever so content with our friendship, if even it can continue. If it can, may i begin to write you again? I miss your handwriting, and your previous letters are losing their "Romeo" smell.
Until next time, if at all possible.
Sierra.
Coward.
Thats what i am.
It feels good to write it down, or say it aloud.
You are a coward Sierra, and you deserve every little bit of this.
It's funny.. You think.. Or at least hope that the bullying, teasing, picking at you and the straight out abuse will end with school.
"It seems it does for some. But you're not so lucky sweetheart".
I just cant seem to escape it. It's following me everywhere. I went through school fighting so i wouldn't have to for one bloody day at least. One hour? Not a break. Never a break.
Sure, pick on the new kid. Thats fine, i always expected that, but why keep it going for so long? I mean, an entire year? then two? then another two, another two and a year again? Piss off.
Now it's with me again. They wont quit. Sure i dont seem to stress as much as others, and i wont bring myself to fight back, what if it made it worse? Not just for me, but for her as well? God in a child's eyes.. I can't do that to her.
I hide who i am to give her peace. I can't imagine how she'd be treated. Pick at me all you like, but leave her out of it.
I will not break under your snide comments, your hurtful remarks and your unbearable treatment.
I will not break.
Never.
Its been more than a year since you and i were.. well you and i.
Some days i miss it, others i dont, but a day like today makes me glad i never did have the guts to kiss the one i loved.
To find out now that, as previously stated, more than a year ago, when we were together and i had left school, you went to her house. the one person you said you tried to stay away from because she was constantly flirting with you.
Now, as im told, this visit was not entirely uneventful. In fact im told it was a complete makeout fest. At this time i was currently saving for you, to get you and i out of our parents houses and a place of our own. To give you the freedom i knew you wanted.
And yet you are with her, confessing your love to the one person you swore to me you would never date again.
Now im not pissed with the fact you did go back to her, oh no. Im pissed with the fact you constantly lied to me throughout the entire time we were together.
I believe now that you never loved me. That you wanted to hurt the one before me. Just like you wished to hurt me by leaving me, going back to her and sneaking behind your mothers back to "make love" when she couldn't catch on. I feel sorry for her. Your mother and the last.
I truely thought you were a genuine person. A once in a lifetime catch.
Why did you ever chase me? Why did you want to "be mine" those first two times if you didn't want to be with me after all?
I loved you. I respected you. I had your heart.. No.. I had a piece of fake metal you called the key to your heart.
I now realise why it took me so long to forget you. To stop loving you. Because the relationship wasn't real.
You were always half hearted Romeo, and i was all for you.
Until notice takes place.
Notte.
You know.. it's funny.. I feel like this is a real person. of sorts. like a door or window to one side of you. the side that will hear me. i wonder what you'd say in return if i wrote everything on my mind, that is if my subconscious wasn't constantly screaming that this is the most public place to be writing to you, indirect as it is. But you have answered me before. i guess thats what im waiting for. a constant stream of replies that is like talking to you face to face again.
Im getting better some days, and worse on others. i dont pick the days, my stomach does. it makes me feel like if i do eat my breakfast, i will be sick. which scares me for the fact im petrified of vomiting. its hilarious. ive been constantly bullied and teased by those who think i have an eating disorder, by those who cant understand how i eat and eat and stay the same size. and yet i have no eating disorder. i do not eat and eat and vomit so i can eat more. i do not have an addiction to laxatives. i do not count my calories constantly and feel guilty if i go over, the only part of the packet i read now is the amount of protein i will be getting. i do eat, i dont starve. i simply fall to sleep late, wake up late, and cause my eating habits to go haywire. my breakfast time is after normal lunch, my lunch is around tea and so my tea is so late my stomach digests it weirdly. that and i smoke alot more these days.
I have found myself infatuated with a few people at work. i wonder if or when they'll notice. at least now its not just one type. i have my irresistible brunettes, my captivating blondes, my breathtaking redheads.. and then theres the dark haired ones. i dont know what it is but i can barely look them in the eyes. one in particular has some sort of hold over me. if i see them looking my way, even out of the corner of their eyes, im completely helpless. i have to hide to catch my breath. and then theres the other.. id come to work within 10 minutes if i know or feel the chance that they'll be there that day. i cant help it.. Perhaps it's the combination of dark hair and dark eyes? This confuses me so much because we found out it's blondes.. those angelic creatures sent from above.. that have me weak at the knees each and every time..
Hmm.. sleep. but if you do read of me, give me a little hint? so i know someone's still listening..
"If Only"
A dream is a powerful thing. It can change your outlook on anything.
I believe some dreams are not just mental ramblings our mind cooks up but our subconscious showing what was, is, could or would have been.
My dreams are amazing, for the fact many are in different worlds, i see different things and feel different things. A kiss in such a world can leave your heart pounding, aching and wanting more.
In my life my mind has not shared many moments in my dreams with others to the point of kissing or further, or at least the memorable kind. If i think hard, i believe i count 3. 3 real or almost real kisses that i wish never to forget for their own reasons.
The first was a childhood best friend that i only ever see snippets of when she's shopping. I never loved her to the point of chasing her but she meant alot in those few years.
The second is to this day a very good friend and i cannot forget the dream for the fact it shocked me and amazed me so much that i awoke and could still feel her lips upon mine.
The third was a fairytale. She meant alot to me, and some days i wish to have that again. But this dream was simple. Comfort driven. I felt like i had been released from my body, no aches, no pains, no worries, for those few minutes she held me and the short but meaningful kiss she left me with. There has been many a time i have met her out and about and have come so close to blurting out "hey do you remember that night when.." and have to mentally slap myself for i realize it was not real.
"If only if only the woodpecker sighs"
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I am still very unwell. I eat and eat and my body just does not want to slow down, i work it off before it can become fat. it upsets me that such a thing has happened to me again, and that i cant fix it. im currently too light, too small to do most things and faint in the middle of the street or at home quite frequently. Ive even very nearly managed to do it at work. I cant fix myself. What ever shall happen to me?
