Why didn't you ever ask for your key back? I had discussed it with her, but she decided that it was your gift and i should return it when you asked for it.
I doubt you could have forgotten it completely, it used to be on your bag, and then in your bag. So it was there..
"How wonderful life is, now you're in the world."
Been watching Moulin Rouge lately, which has reminded me of him, whom is doing a good job in making sure he doesn't slip my mind again. I believe im the only one at work that knows him well, and doesn't have to drink with him to get there. But i still get protective, especially of those that try and pick at him when his back is turned. I wonder why that is.
Im not one to be looking for a relationship, but i am amazed by the women around me most of the week.
I had a good friend walk towards me at work, she saw me but i was out of it again. I simply saw her bright hair and felt her hand on my stomach before she'd continued on into the store. Im not entirely sure why but it kept me smiling and happy throughout the night, and i still smile just thinking back. Maybe its the feeling of not being forgotten, or the feeling of her hand. Maybe its the simple gratitude of that one moment of touch, the memories it brought back, the feelings, just to know im still here, and no matter her life now, there was once a moment when she fully enjoyed my company and me.
The girls at work go out of their way to help me, teach me. It lightens my heart, to still be able to make friends of such meaning, and the kind that dont need anything in return but never turn down help back either.
Its a pure, innocent thing where we all have each others back.
I had a dream that i watched my most adored there get hit by a man twice the size of her while walking towards the noise she must have heard too. they were threatening her more and more while she lay sprawled on the ground, i had just got there when he was advancing again, with three more men of his size behind him. i stood between her and them making sure they couldn't get past, not doing anything. so instead i got the physical abuse, by the end of it, and with her screaming behind me, i had a broken nose, cracked jaw bone, broken arm, broken ribs and more blood covering me than i thought possible to have inside my body.
And i guess they got bored because the next thing i had a knife in my gut, and he was pulling it upwards and twisting it this way and that, laughing over my screams and her pleads.
But they went. and as she tried to lead me to the front of the store, i collapsed, only to be caught by someone i find myself speechless around. She carried me to the front, not caring for the blood i was covering her in. Her voice i heard as i slipped in and out. Not the girl i was protecting.
Weird.
I'm having my dreams again. Most involve women ive known for only half a year, the others are a little more well known by me. Silly mind.
Ive seen a bit more love over the last few days.. its made me feel so much better, more so seen than ignored. im not sure if its a good thing though, without contact i thought more of my future, now with this my head is back in the past.
A before thought.
You left me as i left you, and i deserved it. I know that i put effort into conserving her heart before our own at first, and i let us wait. I lied to her because it seemed too hard to tell her we had been together a day earlier, and i answered to that not too long after. But i still waited. Waited for distances to grow and loss to diminish, for hearts to start healing and for tears to dry..
And yet, despite the fact that you and her waited less than a day, gave no compassion for the previous heart, nor for those id lean on, or the truth i held on to, despite the feeling that you two had been talking of and planning this even before your birthday, and the feeling of coldness that flooded through me as you sent me that inbox; i forgive you. i forgive the pain, the lies and the suddenness, all for the fact you seem happy.
I may have left that place for you, to give you a chance at school, to stop the need and want to see me even during your classes, to get a job and start saving for a place that i could take you to escape your mother and the judgmental eyes of those around, to give you a break to think about everything, to let you free, but i never told you of my plans did i? Mistake number one.
Never kissing you would be another, and never taking you home to the place i hated more than any other and would go to all kinds of extremes to stay away for longer would be yet another.
But i cannot fix that, and this i know. Im sorry you had to break me in order to love another, and im sorry i wasnt enough for you. but know now, and for every breath past this point, i will continue to think of you, continue to hope for you and continue to care, because a pure and innocent love like that is never easy to scrub out.
An after thought.
"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
I admit it, I am lonely.
I've noticed myself longing after happy, cuddling, laughing couples and knowing that, if i allowed myself, i could be one of a pair that others long after.
I've caught myself reaching out in bed, looking for the second to my nothing, the body heat of another and, realizing that one such is not there, curling up and falling asleep hugging myself.
I cry, more so now than ever, for the feeling that another could bring, and sometimes not even registering that this is why i am crying.
I hold her hand without her knowing its not just for the sake shes my close friend but for the need of having another hand there.
The simple touch of skin, an accidental slip of a hand when passing something back and forth at work, almost purposefully getting as close as possible to someone.. I feel i need it.
I feel like no one sees me anymore. No one goes out of their way to talk to me, and this blog seems too ordinary now. So what to do?
I don't think there is anything i can do.
Lets see you fix this?
I am not fixable, i am not something to put back together. To cover in glue and band-aids and have someone "kiss it better".. that shit hasn't worked since i was 8.
My life is shit. Many people's lives' are shit. Nothing new. Ive lived with it long enough. we get used to it. i may not be fine with it ending like this, but i am man enough to know that even if i still care, still love what once was and could have been, i will not keep torturing myself, my heart.
It's funny how, in the end you start thinking of the beginning.
Many many things have ended in the last 3 years, and even one of these things would have killed a weaker person.. but im still here. and there must be a reason for that. im not trying to pretend that im strong, and i know just how strong some can be, but im the lowest of low and ive gotten through this on luck and love. the luck more so.
The love on the other hand is all i hold on to right now. a love that is denied me, a love that ignores me.. a love that would spit in my face if i ever let her close enough.
And the pathetic thing? ... I'm still here. Still waiting. Still hoping. Still loving. But i have a dreadful feeling if the opportunity ever did arise.. It'd cause more pain than joy.
My love is still there. I'm the sort of girl that can't let anything go. And i will always be like that. Like this. Im here. You're there. You're in love, and so am i. But the most significant difference? Simple. I see you. And you'll never see me.
