And As She Opens Her Eyes...

Not sure whats wrong with me at the moment.. I can handle the daily aches and pains, even with my knee doing it's shitty little bone on bone rubbing and popping out, and this damn side with its constant pinching, stabbing and twisting pains, and i'm not even fazed about the war wounds from work.. But this feeling i have sitting on my chest, keeping me up for hours and hours, that has me questioning everything i am.. I really don't know how to fix it, handle it or somewhat balance it.

It's like a weight, of sorts. The kind you get when you have an opportunity you've been waiting for for years right in front of you and you don't take the leap. The kind where you feel like you want to.. Need to leave this place you call home and find a new corner to begin again. The kind that leaves you exhausted, cold, angry, miserable, lonely and heart broken all at once.

What do you do with yourself when such a thing comes along?

I feel like life is passing me by. Like i need to find someone now. Someone i will share the rest of my life with.. Because that is all that could be missing right? Can that be all? Can this small but amazing thing be all that is keeping me from complete and utter happiness?

Maybe.. Maybe not. I want a direction for my life to travel. One that continues upward instead of flat. One that gives me rewards, not embarrassment. One that i can tell people about if they ask and they would say that simple word that makes you bloom inside. "Wow". Such a small, overlooked word. But when you talk about something you love, adore, cherish; maybe your first child, or the fact you know own your house at only 26 or so, or maybe even that promotion, or simply meeting that one person and being able to tell someone everything about him or her.. That one word.. Wow.. You immediately shine.

"If I'd have said I love you, she'd have said it back, and then everything would have been different."

I'm lonely, i know that. I've always been a naturally lonely person. I'm told constantly by others that i don't need to be.. But it's easier said than done. What most don't know is that i find myself.. Simply not seeking. Like i don't need that second half. There are days, weeks, months that i can be completely content in my happiness here. Now. Alone.

And then there are the days my heart tries to tear it's way out of my chest for all to see. To be able to present itself as if to say "I am here, I am still beating. Care."

"Calling all angels. Calling all angels. Walk me through this one, don't leave me alone."

I need to get back to writing my letters.. But I've lost alot of motivation over the months.. Pathetic aye? I can write in my blog, but haven't the will to pick up a pen.. I guess maybe that's because i want to write to her. And if i write to her.. Unlike an online blog, my handwriting will give me away..

I need courage. For many, many things right about now. Help?

If only.