And As She Opens Her Eyes...

I know how that feels Romeo, i do believe i had one as well, so no harm done.

I'm fine with such posts though, something like this.. writing it all out for someone else to read makes it easier than writing it in a book and closing it, or ripping it up or even setting it alight. I shall always be here to read through your troubles and help ease your heart where ever i can.

I do want to write to you again, i have something for you as well. I'll wait until you see this and hope for an inbox with your address so i can send you my letter and such along straight away.

Your letters are the most amazing thing.. I haven't been writing much lately but for some reason still find myself reading back over your letters and even Delta's when i can't help myself. But i must say hers doesn't bring the same thoughts up, and I'm sure she's glad about that.

And there will always be a part of mine that you can call yours as well. I shall be looking forward to your reply and hopefully soon after, your inbox. I do apologize for the delay, my life has been.. Everywhere. But soon Romeo, soon.

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I feel i need to separate this, although i know the main reason i write on here is because i know there is at least one other that reads this still. But this is of my current inner workings, and not a blog reply.


I'm unsure what this feeling is and how to describe it.. It is like a huge animal has pushed me down and is standing on me, digging its claws into my chest, constricting my lungs and making it harder and harder to send brain signals throughout my body.

I am getting better though. Health wise at least. The weight is picking up and i haven't fainted in months. I had a dizzy spell at work the other day but i know the cause for that so i am not too concerned. My ribs no longer show, the muscles in my upper arms are building back up and i can walk for longer. My eyes are still sensitive and any sort of wound i get seems to take an awful long time healing. That said, I recently caught a cold and usually during this.. "sickness?" i would look terrible throughout the colds' cycle. I'd be completely pale and could barely move, and as a result the cold would last for weeks. But this time around i am told i looked great, simply the usual overall tired look. I had nothing to worry about. It lasted 4-6 days tops and i had no raw skin around my nose, nor did i have much trouble sleeping. I feel great and am so happy with that.

But my heart.. I am in a rather horrible feud with myself. A feud that involves several topics, the most pressing and hardest to get my head around is the want.. The need for someone, something maybe? I am unsure. It's to the point I'd love to simply invite someone to my house, for no other reason than to fall asleep beside me, be able to have the weight of someone else next to me. Sharing my space and in a way, my trouble, my mind.. My life.

But i understand not many people would agree to something so.. Unlike today's habits. I mean i see many people my age, dressing in things designed, i believe, simply to stop you in your tracks and drag you along drooling behind them. And i have to dig my heels in. Not even i, the elusive and sneaky hard shelled girl i am, could resist the majority of women that walk past me these days. People expect sex. People expect something to come from such a thing. There is my problem. Sure i have numerous friends, all of which i love dearly. But only a handful know me well enough to figure out that i am just not like the larger percentage. Give me a warm bed, company and a movie and that's all i expect. I am not a bad girl. I am not secretly marking down names of people i WILL have. I am not one to stalk or insist on some sort of compensation. I am simply, at this moment in time..

Lonely.

I cannot stop regretting things. Of that night on the trampoline, or skipping that one class i want nothing more than to be sitting in right now, for letting go of so many people I'd love to be standing next to me.. So so many things that if i had done, my life would not be like it is at this moment in time. I'd be a different person and I'm unsure if that bothers me or not.

I need guidance.. I need someone to sit me down, scream at me, push at me and tell me straight out what i need to do and where i need to go. Now.

If only..