And As She Opens Her Eyes...

I feel as though i cant talk to you anymore, at least away from here. I feel like ive got caught in another Damsel moment and Mitch is going to turn around and lock you away for as long as he has you. But you're not her and she's not him, so i know she could never be as bad as him physically, and mentally i know shes exactly the same, but together it doesn't seem as bad.. And i know you love her and she loves you, i can live with that.

What i expect, is something people think a petty thing.. i need truth. We all lie, but in the way of such things, i always needed truth, to feel like i was wanted and needed there. If i never got one more thing in all that time, i would have been more than happy, and most times i was. So happy.

I didnt fight because i saw what was happening even before things were drawn to a close. I know a heart can change its direction, and i guess i was hoping yours would stay of its own accord.. if id stopped you, or tried, i believe i would have stressed too many strings, if we'd lasted past that moment, i doubt she would have given up. things would have gotten worse, the fall would have been steep and rough.. so i left you, i left you to your thoughts and i left you to decide for yourself. i dont mind your decision, i never did.. i think most of my trouble came from the transition, the fact that i had you one moment and then lost you the next.

Im quite a sad being. i can be high as can be and laugh and run and smile until the sun goes down, but i quite a rundown when it comes to love, it takes bites out of your heart and just takes off. i was never much of a lover, people only started paying attention to me in grade 7 at prospect, the first person to truly show me love is far from my reach but they're still in my heart and i in theirs. it is not the love of lovers, it is pure love, unjudged, unmeasured, we will never truly part.

That is the only love i got practise in. i can count the amount of people that love me, actually love me, lover or not, on one hand. maybe thats why i never held your interest, because i never had to try before.

It makes me feel better to know that there is a fraction of a moment that you may be thinking about me when im thinking of you, although my moments are longer and more ranged, perhaps because of the absence of people around me right now, it leaves time unchallenged. I enjoyed every moment i had with you, embarrassing or perfect. I smiled more throughout those months than i ever have. maybe that will make you feel better? because it does so for me.

I never cared for what you couldn't give, nor even what you could, i cared for what we shared, what we had.

Maybe it could have been better if we fought..? maybe the strength could have held us together.

The letter was never meant to be harsh, i just put as much of myself into it that i could bare. I never re read it either, but i never sealed it.

I dont know what i should be doing, running, hiding, fighting, standing. The amount of effort ive put into hiding most of this, and now its out there, what else am i to do now? I never liked giving up, and i cant think of a smoother way of saying it.

Months, ive waited months to read from you, without the thought of her reading it also. Ive never been good at dumbing it down, so i just never wrote of it besides on here.


If only.