And As She Opens Her Eyes...

I've been a bit of a youtube fanatic of late, watching the usual "How its made" videos along with alot of KYRSp33dy's work and getting addicted to BdoubleO, communitychannel, HISHEdotcom, The Hillywood Show, Jenna Marbles, OfficialNerdCubed and simonscat haha. Somewhere along the line i ran into a channel called lesbiananswers. Miss Lesbian Answers is quite the busy bee. I went through a few of her uploads and ended up on one titled, What's your coming out story? I was intrigued and realised i haven't really told many people about my own story. It's not all that great and noteworthy but why not share? So of course, here we go haha.

When i was younger, Primary school young, im not ashamed to admit i had the odd crush on a teacher or friend. That sort of thing is quite common, but all my crushes were female. At the time i guess i was too young to figure out what this may or may not mean and so never really cared about it. I didn't tell anyone though. I gather i had that sort of knowledge somewhere in my head at least ha. It probably helped that i only had three close friends up until year 6 in that area as well.

Year 6 i moved schools and yet again found myself absolutely infatuated with yet another teacher and several of the students. Still kept that secret from my handful of friends.

Year 7 and 8 rolled around. More friends, more infatuations, none with teachers (at least i grew out of that one eventually ha).

Year 9 and 10 and i've switched schools again. Another group of new friends, same happened, but this time the idea started rolling around my head.

I had my first and second (and only) boyfriends in year 9, the first being a boy that seemed to like me right off the bat. He was also quite "popular with the ladies". He did seem to like me, and we managed a 1 month stretch. I was still in school so it was simply visits at home and kisses. Nothing but that. But i felt no pull towards him. We broke up when he confessed to cheating on me. Can you class it as cheating if the guy had sex with another girl, and yet you hadn't let that part happen yet? Needless to say i was strangely glad to get rid of him.

The second was his friend. And i know you really shouldn't go there, at least not with your ex's best friend but we both knew the boy liked me as well and i found out the note the first passed me before we started going out was meant to be the seconds note. I let him have a shot, still not much of a connection, but there was a mutual friendship and trust there. He was harmless and i didn't mind him at all. I did end up breaking up with him after realizing i'd only hurt him if i kept the relationship going on nothing but friendship. I needed to feel something.

Year 10 and i feel it. A woman in my grade, my age, and my image almost to the T. The girl was perfect, and after managing to get her number from a mutual friend we began to talk. She was amazing in every way humanly possible and i couldn't keep her out of my mind. Our friendship grew as my love for her burned. But alas as i would come to understand in the not too distant future, i have a terrible habit of falling for straight women. That said, i am still very good friends with this woman to this day and wouldn't kick her out of my life even with the promise of Helena Carter replacing her.

Year 11 and i've finally given myself a talking to. I gather im either a very confused person, a bisexual or a lesbian. I never did like that year too much. I made more friends, and they helped me to see it. I barely looked at men. If i watched a movie, i'd be focusing on the women. I was always asked why i never perved with them when a hot guy walked past, or perved at all. But they simply never paid attention when i caught myself eyeing off women left right and centre. I was brought into a close circle of female friends and realized i have never been in such a group. The majority of my friends from the past were either boys or tomboys and i didn't mind it at all.

Eventually i confided in a friend of mine i'd met that year who is bisexual. She told me that she knew there was something similar between her and me. It took me a little while to accept that i was what my friends uncovered. Bisexual. Not that i like to label it that. I do spy a guy or two once in a blue moon that i genuinely think i like. But they are hugely out weighed by the amount of women i swoon for.

Year 11 was also the year i started admitting and telling people about myself. At first it was a few choice people. Before long my confidence had skyrocketed and almost all of my friends knew. Sadly somewhere along the line word had gotten out to an old "friend" from high school. She was working with a family member at the time and knew perfectly well none of my family had a clue. Still she brought it up and accused me. The family member brought it home and my parents found out. Thankfully my parents are rather lovely people. They didn't mind too much. They love me with all their heart but i do believe my mother has some sort of hope it is a faze. If it is ever brought up, she tries to convince me otherwise. It doesn't last long and things go back to normal not long after, but there is an acceptance i would love to have that i may never quite fully get. I guess i can't complain though.

After year 12 i started year 13 and fell in love with my first girlfriend. She was wonderful, amazing, fantastic she made everything so so much better and our first stretch lasted just under a month. I of course being the introvert i am, broke it off. I felt completely horrible inside for what seemed like months. But not long after, we started dating again. The feelings never left, i simply got to a point where i didn't know what was expected of me and ran. The second stretch lasted a little longer, and i remember this one as the worst, not because of my girlfriend, not because she found a boat load of courage and told her mother about her sexuality. No, it was her mother that made it horrible. The abuse that was thrown at me was horrendous at the time but now seems quite petty. I left her again. Feeling scared and like i had betrayed a woman i had never met by "infecting" her daughter with some sort of disease? I ran yet again. During her absence i had another two girlfriends. These two were close friends from years before. The first after her and second girlfriend i had always known had liked me, and she wasn't afraid to tell me just that as often as possible. She was my first kiss and as it happened, i had one of those common "OMG i really am gay!" moments and panicked to the point of running. Literally. But i guess it didnt help that we had chosen my back yard to drop the bombshell sign on my heart and i was also more worried about having a family member walk outside. As it happened, i was just about to open the backdoor when one of them did appear. Not too long after she moved away for a while and i broke it off. Things confused me in that particular instance. Things that made even more things difficult.

After the second girlfriend i fell in with my third for exactly a week. And im not kidding. Serves me right for falling for a nympho. I gather it was either me not putting out or the fact we were and are good friends.. Either way, a week was my new low haha.

While i went on this weird little hunt of mine, my first girlfriend had started dating a mutual friend. They were together a month but the girl wasn't particularly nice to her. It ended and we were both single for a little while.

Then we fell in to our routine again. This time lasting the longest of all my relationships and even into the period where i had to leave school to find work to pay my levy. To this day that woman drives me crazy in all the good was and maybe a few not so good. We had an abrupt break up, finally she got the better of me haha. I'd finally started to believe i could be myself. Love myself and her. Was waiting for the right moment for a lot of opportunities and she broke it off. I don't blame her at all in the slightest and still adore the woman. She fell in love with another and left me before doing anything. I was angry at first, heart broken. It still gives me butterflies thinking back to that year. But i know it was for the best. I was always a rather slow and shit girlfriend haha.

I am now at a point where i am no longer happy being lonely, 2-3 years later. I feel myself letting go, being less cautious, I'm showing myself and i know those i wished not to know, have an idea on my sexuality. At first i was scared, stressing and making myself worried sick. But i realised i never did mind. I simply didnt want things to get complicated for my parents. Now i know. This is my life and if i don't take control, who will? I will love again. I will open up again. And if i am ever asked outright about my love life, hell, i probably wont even flinch anymore. My heart and soul can't take being hidden behind such a wall, and i don't plan on keeping them there much longer. I will love and will allow myself to be loved in return.

Life's too short for me to be contempt in this simple and uneventful life i lead at this moment. Dreams, inspiration, goals and above all, challenge. I am here to be me. I am here to laugh, cry, play, dance, smile, frown and love. Ahh.. Thank god i have a high pain threshold haha. Here we go.