And As She Opens Her Eyes...

Me again.

It seems I'm starting to realize how much I've grown. How long it has been since i was a "child". How many people i have lost in this useless, stressful and absolutely infuriating chase.

I've started to think too much. I've come across the idea that maybe, somewhere inside, I am not a naturally lonely person after all. Maybe all i do want is someone to be here, with me, sharing everything with and being able to give my everything to. Maybe I'd like to be looked at without the oh so common glance of pity or guilt, of loathing and anger, of confusion and the incredibly hurtful look of indifference. Maybe i want someone to look at me, really fucking look, and care?


Maybe, just maybe, I'm over all this shit and... And what? What do i do? What in god's name do i do now? Sit here in this house waiting for more or less hours and reading about or being told that another one of the people i met in previous years has had a child, or has/is getting married, or has moved away or into their own houses, or they're finishing their education like they planned and are setting themselves up for a bright future, or they have plans to go out and meet up with their amazing friends for yet another fun night in town, or are off for another holiday in a place i've only seen photos of.

I'm sick of being the one odd ball. The one kid left behind. Sure it may be my fault. Fuck it, it is my fault. But what am i supposed to do? Out of every child that is a part of this family, i am the only one that cares for my parents, i see their troubles as my own, i help without being asked and save them from financial trouble time and time again.

I never want to see my parents die. I know many children say that.. But to me it would be the complete and utter end. They are gods. They are the two singular unstoppable forces that kept me alive and growing for the past 21 years and not one of the other children understand how much that cost them. They have so much money to pay back after our childhood finally evolves to our own independence that, if they ever die on us, there will be no possible way for me to take over the bills.

I am the only other member of this family besides my parents that is working. The other four are either too lazy to check in with centrelink when called so they can get their fortnightly pay, or busy sitting on their arses and drinking or wasting their dole pay away in some way or another. This is no proper family. My parents and i are the hosts and the others are leeches. What do i do? What in the bloody hell can i do?

If/when these amazing parents die, i will arrange the funerals, i will have to call the banks and organize their bills to come directly to me, i will have to sell the entire house and belongings inside due to the problems that will rise from the other family members wanting this and that and no way to make sure they can be civil about it.

I want.. I don't want alot. I never have. I haven't been given a gift for my birthday for years. I go out of my way to find something for the boys every year, twice a year, and three times a year for my parents, just to see some glimmer of happiness in their eyes. And i get forgotten. I don't want/need gifts. I just want.. I want........


I WANT A FUCKING LIFE!


Something i can be proud of in the years to come. I want to be able to tell my children or nieces and nephews of how i grew up and how i got my dream job, how i bought my first house, about my true love, how wonderful my wedding was, my holidays and trips. I want to have so many photos of my memories that i will never have to worry about forgetting.

I want to be able to walk out into my front garden one morning, pick up my newspaper and empty the mailbox, steaming hot chocolate in one hand, holding my child's hand with the other and being able to think.. "Now this.. This is my life and i fucking love it. I'll never give this up."

I can't begin to explain how utterly lost and alone i feel right now.. It aches so painfully when i am given time or space to think about it.. I just can't handle being inside my own god damned head any more. How messed up do you have to be to not even be able to tolerate yourself anymore?

Whats more? The one person that i could always rely on reading this, reading every word of every post and putting my heart at ease with even a single sentence in reply.. Is completely and utterly oblivious. I'm never in her thoughts, of that i can be almost sure of, besides the fleeting memory, or maybe an angry word. I miss her, but im not sure in what way anymore. I've been away from people outside of work for so long, i don't even know how to act in front of real people. I'm not me anymore. I don't know who i am. I don't know how i can feel better. I don't know if i can be fixed or if im a lost cause..

I just wish for.. something.. anything to give me a little hope that i can still work towards some sort of a future for myself. For me. I don't want to live in this box any longer. Shut off, cold and sitting in the dark. I don't even know if i can get myself out of this..

Oh for the love of god.. Somebody help me. Please.