And As She Opens Her Eyes...

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out."


Little distracted tonight so forgive me.

Its been 2 months, and I've been busy.

So I've found someone I trust wholeheartedly. We've also figured out she's one of the only ones that can say "Lets go out" And I'll actually go with her, not make some silly excuse to save myself from the panic and anxiety of being somewhere different.

She took me out for New Years Eve. Most fun I've had in so long. Alot of firsts. First time spent in the midst of a very large amount of drunk people. First smoke for over 100 days of no smoking. First time drinking in years. First person I've come out to in 4 years. First person I've felt truely safe with at all times. First person that could lead me through a room countless times by the hand, not feel bothered by it and actually offered me the hand in the first place. First time I didn't panic being around alot of drunk people and not knowing what they could do. And first time seeing the New Year fireworks properly, without houses, trees or distance between me and the lights.

Safe to say it was an amazing night and I loved every second of it. Definitely a keeper, I was right haha! But sadly... I think I've gotten too close too fast. I knew it was coming.. I could feel it from the very moment I saw her. The gentle pull, the almost needy feeling that drags you to someone. Ehhhhhh.... Let's just hope if it get's too hard and I do confess... That she wont leave me.. I don't think I could survive that.

I've also decided on a career path. I'm extremely excited and I can't wait to get my license so I can get to and from myself.

First time in a long time that I've looked forward to the future.

We lost my Great Aunt Jan on Christmas Day, we were prepared but it was.. still complicated by things and so didn't go down to well.. But this is a big family. A loving family. And once again we stayed strong and stuck together.

I'm getting my first tattoos next month, and I'm actually excited. Figured out what I want and it seems I scored a good artist out of luck as well haha.

I'm coming out again. Slowly. Side effects are.. Bad but I'm going to do this. I need to do this. I need to be able to be myself around those I'm closest to.. These people are my friends. I trust them, and I don't trust often.. Hopefully they know just how much I need and appreciate them right now.

It's unfortunate that I've drifted apart from most of my good friends from my school years, but we were always told it would happen. I knew it would though, I guess we all do. It's sad all the same. It's true that I haven't been making much of an effort these days, but since school I've been putting most of the effort in myself, rarely is it that I see them writing me first or calling, texting, even stopping me when they see me out of work just to say hello. So if this really is what they want, I'll leave them be until they want to talk themselves. It's.. sad but I will be here always. I'm simply tired of always being the one running after people. Finally I have friends that are happy with me, I don't have to chase them and they don't have to chase me. We're simply content with each other. And I only ever wanted that.

I'm going on a trip with Miss, she's taking me away and organizing the whole thing. We both need some time away from this city. Keep our sanity a little longer.

I've picked up my smoking again for the moment. My head decided it was going to react badly to the second round of coming out haha.. I was crippled with panic and utterly useless. On my way to work I just couldn't calm myself, couldn't see straight, couldn't stand still so I bought a packet. I did well the first time around, I will quit again, but for now this is all that's keeping me together. So for now..

I'm not reading my books, I am reading fanfic again but no books and I've even given up on my games for a while. I did get into a lego habit but I think I can get over that when I start on my new career path haha. Easy.

Life is good. Life is bad. But I keep moving forward for the fun of it haha.

Take care.