And As She Opens Her Eyes...

Keep seeming to come back here. Must be habit, or perhaps I like having a separate but not quite secret place to go every now and again to get some of this out of my head for a little while.

It's been a while.. I'm not entirely sure what I want to write tonight. It's useless yet still seems to help, I ended up here after another night of stress, worry and exhaustion.

I guess I'm happy.. ish atm. It's not quite happiness, more like a mixture of excitement, pride and relief with a shit tonne of worry on top. My brother is off to the mainland today.. Literally leaves in an hour or two for the airport. He's going to be working near Uluru, at the resorts there and working towards a couple of different certs. I can tell he's excited, but he's also been very testy and grumpy because of how nervous he is. I'd love to take his place.. But could I really leave when it came down to it?

Everything has been piling up lately. Oh how close I am to breaking, I must be close to one of those "You just need to let it out every now and again" moments. My last "moment" had me crumble in front of my mother. I knew it was coming and I had the sense to warn her, but it seems it's still rather difficult to talk through violent sobs while trying to see ahead of you. You'd think we'd get better at something like that. Practice makes perfect after all ha. Mmm..

Cannot seem to stand myself lately. My own company has actually driven me to get out and see people. Travel to town and go to baby showers.. I even have a cinema trip with a friend planned this week and have signed up for a work do.. Well no.. That previously mentioned friend signed me up for it.. But she's adorable and for some strange... Or not so strange reason... I feel like I can trust her. I don't think she'd ever hurt me and I need that now. She's amazing.. Definitely a keeper haha.

Getting to the point of being harder and harder to get up in the morning. I wonder if it's caused by the loneliness or perhaps just this.. environment? that I'm currently stuck in.. Have to look into that. But the loneliness is somewhat depressing. I can have these 6 people around me every day, or the other 5-15 that I'm attached to, and still I find myself disgusted with myself and forcing myself to smile, laugh and join in when things get worse.

Pathetic..

I did see a few past friends a few weeks ago. I saw Her and one of our mutual friends in town. The mutual friend was pleasant but it was Her that spotted me. It was somewhat nice to talk again.. Only somewhat because seeing Her only made me think of..

They seemed genuinely uncomfortable at first. Here I am, completely out of my comfort zone, ready to flee at any second, and they're the ones uncomfortable? A few minutes after harmless chatter it seemed to get easier. It's odd like that.. As long as you can avoid the topic that came between you all in the first place, you can pretend it's just like old times again.

Besides that, I seem to be getting a little attention from some rather lovely people all of a sudden. I think not being able to stand myself and actually having to look around for better company has me making new friends and has me coming out of my shell more and more.

Now that part of my life I'm fine with. That in itself is wonderful and all I wanted for months, to be able to get myself out of this hole.. And now I'm doing it, with alot of help from these lovely people that seem more than willing to give me a hand. I can do this. I believe it more and more each day that passes. With the help of old love, eternal friends and new faces, I'm totally going to be able to do this.

Goodnight.