And As She Opens Her Eyes...

Bad bad bad night last night. I realised how long it's been since i had cried; really cried.

It was one of those horrid moments where you know you're not doing well inside your head and heart and you try so hard to swallow that lump and sort out your thoughts as fast as possible. Racing your eyes to your hearts troubled pains. It started off slow. I froze when it happened. That instant that id heard/read/seen something that my heart couldn't handle. Finally tipping me over the edge. It was stupid, something i shouldn't even care so much about but i guess unconsciously i felt different.

I read what they were saying, some of them trying to be nice, others indifferent, and the few that just couldn't seem to stay civil. Those were the ones that did it. They pushed at me, saying horrid hurtful things and i just sat there and stared. Re reading it over and over.

A few minutes later i lay in the dark, three others in my house moving and waking around. I kept thinking, "they're silly, they're probably just kids, they dont even know me." And then the worry of the previous going ons came back into my thoughts and i had to sort through it all, trying so desperately to just close my eyes and forget all about it.

And then i curled into a tiny ball, hugged my head to my chest, yelling at myself inside my mind to stop, not to stress, that i was fine.

I think i untangled myself and then returned to that little ball about 4-5 times before i had that one thought. That bad and self destructing thought.

I dont matter.

I.

Dont.

Matter.

As soon as that last word was uttered inside my head, i shattered. I hugged myself tighter, let out a defeated groan of anguish and cried. Hard.

It's been years since ive cried with such force, it was like a dam breaking, everything i am just fell out. I couldnt breathe, i couldnt console myself, i couldnt stop myself from gasping so loudly or from shaking.

All i could do was hold myself.

My cat seemed to instantly know i was upset in some way, she'd moved rather quickly to the spot beside my head when i had first curled up into a ball. When the tears came she moved her face into mine, touching her nose softly here and there across it. She touched the tears but never licked them, like she simply wanted to catch them. And as the violent shaking and the tears started to ease i turned my head towards her only to have the most knowing eyes staring back at me. She didnt move, only a few centimeters from me and stayed like that. I took a shaky breath and said her name, she instantly started to purr, but still did not touch me. Not until i moved on my own to rub my hand from her head to her back.

She purred louder and rubbed against me. I rolled over and let her beneath the top blanket, where she usually walks to the bottom of the bed and sleeps. But instead, that night she went down to her spot, turned and returned to beside my head, still under the covers but able to watch me.

And i fell asleep to her purring.

I do love cats, but ive only ever owned one at a time. I like their fur and their tails, their eyes and the fact they can sit and watch something for hours and still be mesmerized by it.

But until last night i believed cats may only think of us as food machines or their personal servants. What my cat did is what i would expect from a dog that you'd had since a puppy and that had unconditional love for you. She actually cared for me. She made sure i was alright, comforted me, and knew that i needed that little help to get through.

Safe to say my dreams were pleasant and the stress, pain, humiliation and worry all but vanished as i fell peacefully to sleep last night.