And As She Opens Her Eyes...

Not entirely sure how i feel right now..

I guess it's a mixture of things? I gather the first would be confusion. Are you talking about me? You mentioned "the other one" and i can only think of one "other" seening I don't really get to talk to you about how your life is right now. "The other one" being the other involved while we were together? But if that is true, then have i done something wrong? Maybe I'm just thinking too much.. Which wouldn't be new. Like I said, I really don't know much about what is happening in your life right now so it could be someone I've never met that you directed that at. But if it is me.. Could you let me know? I'd just like to put my heart at rest.. Stop scratching my head and trying to think of what I could have done..

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Other than that though, I'm feeling energized, motivated and ready to prove something.

Those feelings and needs have me looking up when i walk, talking more and more, even to new people and opening up a little more every day. I'm certainly glad for this and I think it's helping me enjoy myself with what I've been dealt.

I want to be able to talk to people as me. In my own words, not carefully chosen and to be able to lower those walls I've worked so hard on building.

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I guess I'm also a tad scared, I can't get a thought out of my head. That I'm 21 years old and the average lifespan is 80 for a healthy person. That's a quarter of my life gone.

That in mind, it may only feel like yesterday when i couldn't reach the bench top to spread my own bread or I was learning to ride a bike with training wheels and elbow pads, but it took me those 21 years to get here and it really was quite a long time.

That settles me for a while.

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There's also a feeling of hopelessness, that I really have absolutely no control over how things will turn out in most aspects of my life. Who I will lose, what I will lose, what my loved ones will lose, but also what happens in their lives. I'm fine with the happy things, the things they earned and deserved, but not being able to stop the bad things? That is rather distressing when you over think this much.

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I got my first reply letter in months yesterday. The lovely sender now lives in the state again but there is something amazingly wonderful and soothing about receiving snail mail. The effort they put in to it and the part of themselves they send to you in that little envelope, it just seems to brighten your day and you can't help but want to.. need too write back so when they reply, you can feel this excited and happy all over again.

This person thinks of you and takes the effort and time to show that they do in fact care.

That kind of love, that kind of friendship is not the only thing this wonderful person shows me. They are amazing in every way and fit me perfectly. I am so lucky and so very blessed to know them and have them in my life.


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Goodnight.