And As She Opens Her Eyes...

Its rather sad when things go rather horribly..

I'm at one of those points where all i can do for now is watch everything unravel.

There is nothing at all, nothing i can do, i have no footing, nothing to hold on to, to hit back with or use as a shield for my loved ones. I have lost my back bone, my wings, and my heart has lost its extra kick, its fight.

How can you justify ripping apart what someone has worked so so very hard for, for months, years.. They have given you their life for that time, and you spit in their face, claiming it must be done, or that it is for the better, not realizing that you are killing a little bit of their soul in the process?

They wanted this, they worked for this, and now it seems it wasn't enough. Making them feel like they weren't good enough, that they aren't worth it, that they made a mistake that cost them this?

Do you even realize... that this woman, the woman that i look up to, the woman i strive to be like, the strongest person i know, that has always stood strong, that has more heart than any other person i know, that will always stand for her family and will protect everybody she loves with her life.. Do you even realize that you have reduced this amazing, most wonderful, beautiful, loving woman to an utter mess. That she can barely wake up in the mornings, that she has been crying for days and is making herself physically and mentally sick over what you have taken, what you have done to her?

She worked her fingers to the bone for you, gave every ounce of effort to you, put her entire life into pleasing you and hoping to make you even remotely proud of her.. And you take it all away within a few days?

Sure you were doing the exact same thing to me, and i don't even know how i am still standing.. But her? How dare you. How dare you..




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Mess. Everything is falling apart again. Even the woman that mothered my niece is making things horrid. Causing the father so much pain and inner turmoil that he has been turned into someone unknown to me. A monster in such a familiar form. You created this, and now you blame him for his reactions as you continue to antagonize him. Grow the fuck up and stop making every little thing into the biggest and most terrible drama that has nothing to do with you but now suddenly involves and affects you and only you.

I don't say this often, not even lightly.. But you deary.. Are a terrible person in almost every aspect. I may not be one to judge.. But to do this to an entire family just because you can't make up your own immature, small mind.. Its sad. Never bring this pain down on anyone. Pitiful.


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A woman once as close to me as my own mother. A man i've known since childhood. Both left our lives this past month, the woman only last week.. The regret of not being able to see them more.. The excruciating pain something like this brings..


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I'm becoming more withdrawn, if that is even possible. Once again I'm awakened to how truly alone i am. The ache I'm feeling right now is as if there is nothing sitting behind my ribs anymore. I haven't cried properly in so so very long.. It's at the point where i can literally feel the pain and effort my subconscious is facing trying not to let them fall. Weakness? No.. Crying is not a weakness.. But i refuse to call myself strong despite. It's like my mind, my heart, my soul knows I'm going to fall to pieces if i give in. I may need it so so very badly but it just wont do right now...


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I am lost again. Too often do i find myself in this position, feeling like this....


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"I wanna be the one, when all is said and done, who lived a good life, loved a good wife and always helped someone in trouble. On the day they lay me down, i want everyone to gather round, and say he was a father, brother, neighbor and a friend. He was a good man."


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If only......? Maybe.. We'll see..

I'm so so very tired Romeo.. I don't think i have ever been this exhausted with my life, like i don't want to roll out of bed, i don't want to see people, don't want to hear, speak, see... The only moment of piece i get at the moment is when i wander outside without realizing, and end up standing there in the sun, or the rain, and just.... just stand there for so long, eyes closed, accepting that I'll have nothing better than this right now, right at this moment.

I wonder if this is how people feel when they know they're about to leave this world behind? When they know what is coming next? Do you think? I hope not.. But i also hope so. I hope not for my sake, and hope so for theirs. It's the best I've felt in months. And the most empty.

Maybe that's why?

Until you remember me again.

-S