And As She Opens Her Eyes...

"Chandelier"

Party girls don't get hurt
Can't feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

Throw em back, till I lose count

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

Throw em back till I lose count

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight


-----


Something needs to change in my life. Some things.

So so many things.. But the question is.. Can I change them? Do I have the heart? The courage? The will..?

Now that is the right question.

Can I throw off my disguise, reveal myself to those that I have surrounded myself with, show them myself in all my glory and shame?

Can I make that decision of which I am terrified to even consider, the one decision they make you think on over and over, since the moment you can manage to put a coherent sentence together in your mind and use the words they've been teaching you to express yourself with, right through until that very last day of school and for most of us, even longer.

Can I manage to gather this pitiful, messy, sorry excuse of an existence into a decent, honest, worthwhile life? Something I can look back on and be proud of?

Can I finally release myself from this silly habit of avoiding all people that show even the slightest hint of interest in me?

Can I get myself out of this house more than a few nights a week. Actually see the sun rise and set? See faces of those I love and miss? Spend time with them and talk to someone instead of staring at a screen for the great majority of my day?

Why do I do this to myself? Because I feel unworthy. I know I've messed up just as much as the next person if not more and I've ruined some truly wonderful things and turned my back on some utterly amazing people..

All because I felt unworthy of them.

Inside this head and heart of mine I have an image of myself. That image is becoming weak.. I can see through it some days, and I start to believe that these people do actually love me, that I'd be missed when I leave this world, that people do think of me.. Miss me when I'm not around.

And when I see those glimpses.. I am happy. Happier than I've ever been with myself.

And then I know that I have to try. I have to try to get better. To sort everything out. To fix my life.. Otherwise I'll be stuck here on the sidelines for the rest of my life, lonely and aching, with nothing to look forward to, nothing to hold, nothing to show for my life.. And I don't think.. I really don't think I can handle that.

Things are about to change. In a big way.

And if anyone that knows me reads this.. I may need some help.. If you can spare it.