We go through our lives being told over and over by people whom have lived or are living to never quit. To never give up on something you want. Something you need. If you want it, fight for it. If you love it, set it free; if it comes back, it was meant to be.
So what do we do when that thing, that person we want.. We love.. We need.. Doesn't want, love or need you anymore? How do we cut all those strings people and ourselves have helped thread between us, getting ready to tie us both together for the rest of our days and long after..? How do we move on from that?
I have loved. I do love. I hate to admit it but its there.
Once, when i was a little girl, i made a friend. The most unlikely of friends, with a girl, as small as me, as far into her classes as me, as odd as me. I felt alive, i finally did. That is where my memories started; because before then, nothing life changing had happened.
She had lovely red hair that was kept up in a ponytail of natural curls.. She had a smooth face that would break open often to the most amazing smile.. She was my other half for 5 years. We couldn't be separated, placed against each other, not even made to walk in a different pair of two's. I crawled through drain pipes with her.. After her. I helped her catch tadpoles and would visit nearly every day to watch them grow. I did not laugh when she blew out her candles before we finished singing, and when she didn't get a piece of her own cake, i sat under the tablecloth with her and shared my piece with her.
It was love. Of what kind i am, to this day, still unsure, but it was my kind of love. The kind i was never shown. Have never been shown.
"Release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in."
I met a girl in one high school by accident.. I became friends with a special girl whom needed help with things and i didn't mind at all. First lunch at this school she walked over to another girl, and asked her, like me, to be her friend, then found me and introduced us. We weren't your typical kind of friends, i adored her, she was beautiful in every way, and she never wanted to see me hurt, always wanted me to be the best i could be.
More love, but the innocent kind.
Some of my girls were and are amazing.. to every little point.
I never want to lose them.
I never want to lose you, i never did.
What do you do if someone you love stops loving you? You attempt to believe those around you that are telling you that its time to give up. To move on. She's happy, and you can be too if you let go.
I cannot let go.. But i am looking around her, past her, through her.
I've found myself looking back to my first real girlfriend, my first kiss and the most abusive, frightening and wonder filled relationship ive had. I miss her so bloody much. I could stand the hits, the fights, just for her kiss and love. She made me feel like me. Made me hole, no matter how much she tore at me. But she no longer has room for me. And once again im in a spot where ive let go of something truly amazing.
Work is killing. The money is lovely.. The hours are fine. Its the treatment of the staff that gets to me. Some cases are ok, like myself, but this one lady was treated like utter shit.. lost her job, after her son barely breathing after the accident 6 months ago and the harassment case she had to report.. they do this to her over something so small.. we are gobsmacked.. :/
I miss Dear. And im still unsettled by everything as well.. But ill get better.
I miss last year.. So badly.. I need the old moments, old friends. The closeness.. Bleh.. Stupid me.
We shall see.
"If I had words to make a day for you
I'd sing you a morning golden and true
I would make this day last for all time
Then fill the night deep in moonshine."
"If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs,
the bark on the tree was as soft as the skies.
As the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely,
he cries to the moon, if only, if only."
"Things are getting weird, things are getting tough,
Nothings making sense but you keep on looking up
They tell you to be true, your trying everyday
To keep it on the real still you got to find a way
To make your mamma happy, to make your pappa proud
You'll wanna turn it up and all you hear is tone it down
So gather round I'm here to say
You'll never make everybody's day
But while you're around you might as well, catch the tiger by it's tail
And hang on hang on hang on
Everybody just get on get on get on
Get started and go on go on go on
Everybody just hold on
Sometimes I wanna cry, and throw the towel in
They try to beat me down but i take it on the chin
and everywhere i go the people all the same
and they just wanna know that everything will be ok
when things are getting rough you'll turn it back around
you gotta turn it up when they tell you tone it down.
So gather round I'm here to say
You'll never make everybody's day
But while you're around you might as well, catch the tiger by it's tail
And hang on hang on hang on
Everybody just get on get on get on
Get started and go on go on go on
Everybody just hold on
Just hang on
So gather round I'm here to say
You'll never make everybody's day
But while you're around you might as well, catch the tiger by it's tail
And hang on hang on hang on
Everybody just get on get on get on
Get started and go on go on go on
Everybody just hold on
And hang on hang on hang on
Everybody just get on get on get on
Get started and go on go on go on
Everybody just hold on"
Dear.
"Tu sei il mio cuore, la mia anima. tutto ciò che sono. appartiene a voi"
"If i had said i love you, she would have said it back, and then everything would have been different."
"Let my lusts be my ruin."
"They're full of words saying, how i want you, how i love you."
And the simple most extraordinary thing that makes me get up in the morning.. the one thing i always sought to see, the one thing that is now so far out of my reach.. Is the same thing that has put me in this state.
See.. i never did love myself. never have, never will. and so.. sadly my best and worst trait is that i have extra love to give. when i give that love to someone.. haha its not leaving any time soon, as to why i made rules for my lovers. and so.. im caught like a snorkeler in his own net.
I am receding. i know i am. i still look into those eyes and want to grab her. i want to scream, scream it loud. but i cant. and i wont.
I will not do this.. i will not hurt what is left. i will love what we first had, why we began to talk. i will love her from afar, i shall laugh and smile with her, talk with her, listen, take her with me or follow her.. but i can never.. i can never do what i did. i can never hurt her again.
Ha im still confused as to how its her fault. i feel the guilt so thick. i feel my pulse constantly, cant stop crying, cant stop my stomach from flipping, my balance from failing, my mind from the one thing nor can i feel anything but this.
It must have been me, she was perfect to me in every way ha.. i had to have something wrong here. something so obvious to her, but hidden from myself.
They always leave. or i run. i run when i know i cant stop myself, or that i know more is coming. it will hurt more to stay.. wont it?
I want to leave. take a bag, some money and leave. i know Delta will never let me go.. she'd follow me to the ends of the earth and further if i needed it. wanted it.
Why cant i find such love she has for me, so wonderful, so simply, so pure, with someone else? why? because i tied myself to her. forever and more.. and i now breathe for it. for this.
I breath for her. completely and indefinitely, until she will have me no more.
Still numb. and it still hurts. it hurts more that she seems unable to talk to me anymore. im fine with any contact with her, and yet she does not want it, she makes it seem like i was the one that brought it on. inside im guilt stricken.. trying to figure out what i did wrong to bring this on.
I have no footing in this at all. i only stand back and watch. i think it good that this is all i get. otherwise id be much worse.
I still hold my breath when i see them. i dont know how to act most days. whether to say nothing or be polite and talk to or back.
So i smile and wave. give them the idea im fine. can you see through it other than in my writing? i think im doing good, compared to what i was like.
I want her back. ha if only our friendship. i need that. i talk to the second more than her. its rather different. and confronting.
I want her to know that i do love her, maybe never to the same extent, or at least admit it, but i do and i will always stand beside her, help her up when she needs the hand and save her when she needs it most.
What to do..
She talked to me. both did. it helped, if only for the fact i needed her contact, but im still in pieces.
I had a reason, a plan of not to fall in love. i know that is something no one can promise ones self. i avoided it for years. i finally fell into the habit again and hurt her. twice. the first not so badly, i guess time helped there. the second was gutless me running with my tail between my legs.
So when she hurt me, when they got together the first time, i knew i deserved it. i deserved that entire stretch you shared with her. what hurt was seeing you hurt. and im sorry for that. i wished to save you. help you. love you.
I did love you, more than anyone i ever gave a second thought to. and i believed you loved me. i trusted you like i had no other, i looked at you like i had no other. i wished to build us a life, or at least give you space from everyone, from everything. the time and air i knew you needed, with no one to pester you but me, until even i was too much. then id simply step back. i would have kept you forever, forever safe and free. i would have made sure.
But it was not enough was it?
We had another try, and i believed you loved me, maybe even more than i loved you, and that is what made me wake up in the morning, that is what kept me smiling, made me gaze at you those long hours.
Im sorry i left you, but i left for you. i was looking ahead.
I dont hold it against you. i wont. i will forever love you. my heart may not be open for it as easily anymore but i will keep you, for my years and years to come.
I love you.
Dont let me go.
After all this time, its suddenly gone.
So tell me sweetheart.. Tell me again why you suddenly dont love me.
Im not a child, do not need it dumbed down into short, blunt sentences. I may act 10 at times, but i think fast, and think my age.
So tell me.
Was it me? Was it you? Or was it her.. The one you fought to be away from? And i want no lies. You owe me that much.
I love you Romeo. I do. And if you dont love me anymore, thats fine, but i would much rather you say that, than use a side excuse.
Been thinking about this for weeks? We've only been together the month this time.. So half of that was unwanted? Nice nice..
Just dont lie to me.
