Feeling a little better than i usually do.. Although in other aspects, not so much.
I had my first day off from work in a year due to a massive migraine that came out of no where. I went to work last night feeling better but ended the night with the same migraine. I've never been able to handle stress too well. Who can?
Feeling a tad more lonely than normal, probably caused by all this politician talk. Weird, i know.. But the whole idea of Labor giving us something so right, so wanted.. Marriage Equality.. It made me think, wish and hope that this idiocy with same sex relationships being wrong could be over.. That maybe i could finally fall in love knowing that i COULD marry the woman of my dreams.. Haha.. I was smiling.
And now we have this fruit cake that is taking away elderly and disability pay, that thinks being gay is an abomination and that thinks his daughters are gods gift to men and that they're so perfect and get along so well despite them looking like they'd rather be on the other side of the world from him..
Ehhhhhh.
On the other hand, I feel.. calmer. I still have my outbursts and find myself crying for no reason some nights, but i just can't help but smile some days, without any obvious reason behind it. I'm clueless as to what is causing this but what ever it is, i hope it never goes away.
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I've stopped visiting your FB page.. It makes me sad.. Knowing you're out there, living your life and not looking back. That said, I'm unbelievably happy for you as well. I' glad you've found someone you can love so openly and that your work makes you happy and get's you away from this place for a little while.
I think the sadness may also be because i may never get to see you. The occasional visit at work is nice, but I'm always running around, busy and fretting when you see me.. If it were up to me I'd be more than happy to just stand there and talk. No distractions or deadlines. Just talk until our throats get soar. I remember when that was one of the only things i looked forward to. Our game of Secrets had me learn so much about you, and had me tell so much about myself.. No one can play that game as well as you could haha.
I still have your presents here. And your drawings.. And letters. I would like to write you letters again, but I'm not sure if your address is the same as the last time i asked.. I still have that gift i wanted to send you. The reason i asked for it, and i think I'd like to send sketches of your tattoo along, so i can get your opinion as it progresses. For all those reasons and more, i would love to receive a letter from you. The main few i guess would be that i miss your handwriting, the smell of your letters and the heart you put into each and every page..
It's unhealthy for me to go on like this but i can't help it. I still seem to yearn for that connection. Maybe someday, when i wriggle my way back into your mind, you'll see this and think..
"Well she's not as crazy as that other one that followed me around i guess.." Haha or am I? Maybe just a little. But at least I never lied like that one. I never did understand why she lied so much, constantly, making up her own little world to boast about and tell everyone of her hardships that were never hers to bare.
Things like that should never be played with.
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Well that's my thoughts at the moment. Back to procrastinating and then maybe some sleep.
Goodnight vast online world of minds and hearts.. And of course, the keyboard heroes and Grammar Nazis out there.
- Sierra Juliet.
Its rather sad when things go rather horribly..
I'm at one of those points where all i can do for now is watch everything unravel.
There is nothing at all, nothing i can do, i have no footing, nothing to hold on to, to hit back with or use as a shield for my loved ones. I have lost my back bone, my wings, and my heart has lost its extra kick, its fight.
How can you justify ripping apart what someone has worked so so very hard for, for months, years.. They have given you their life for that time, and you spit in their face, claiming it must be done, or that it is for the better, not realizing that you are killing a little bit of their soul in the process?
They wanted this, they worked for this, and now it seems it wasn't enough. Making them feel like they weren't good enough, that they aren't worth it, that they made a mistake that cost them this?
Do you even realize... that this woman, the woman that i look up to, the woman i strive to be like, the strongest person i know, that has always stood strong, that has more heart than any other person i know, that will always stand for her family and will protect everybody she loves with her life.. Do you even realize that you have reduced this amazing, most wonderful, beautiful, loving woman to an utter mess. That she can barely wake up in the mornings, that she has been crying for days and is making herself physically and mentally sick over what you have taken, what you have done to her?
She worked her fingers to the bone for you, gave every ounce of effort to you, put her entire life into pleasing you and hoping to make you even remotely proud of her.. And you take it all away within a few days?
Sure you were doing the exact same thing to me, and i don't even know how i am still standing.. But her? How dare you. How dare you..
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Mess. Everything is falling apart again. Even the woman that mothered my niece is making things horrid. Causing the father so much pain and inner turmoil that he has been turned into someone unknown to me. A monster in such a familiar form. You created this, and now you blame him for his reactions as you continue to antagonize him. Grow the fuck up and stop making every little thing into the biggest and most terrible drama that has nothing to do with you but now suddenly involves and affects you and only you.
I don't say this often, not even lightly.. But you deary.. Are a terrible person in almost every aspect. I may not be one to judge.. But to do this to an entire family just because you can't make up your own immature, small mind.. Its sad. Never bring this pain down on anyone. Pitiful.
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A woman once as close to me as my own mother. A man i've known since childhood. Both left our lives this past month, the woman only last week.. The regret of not being able to see them more.. The excruciating pain something like this brings..
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I'm becoming more withdrawn, if that is even possible. Once again I'm awakened to how truly alone i am. The ache I'm feeling right now is as if there is nothing sitting behind my ribs anymore. I haven't cried properly in so so very long.. It's at the point where i can literally feel the pain and effort my subconscious is facing trying not to let them fall. Weakness? No.. Crying is not a weakness.. But i refuse to call myself strong despite. It's like my mind, my heart, my soul knows I'm going to fall to pieces if i give in. I may need it so so very badly but it just wont do right now...
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I am lost again. Too often do i find myself in this position, feeling like this....
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"I wanna be the one, when all is said and done, who lived a good life, loved a good wife and always helped someone in trouble. On the day they lay me down, i want everyone to gather round, and say he was a father, brother, neighbor and a friend. He was a good man."
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If only......? Maybe.. We'll see..
I'm so so very tired Romeo.. I don't think i have ever been this exhausted with my life, like i don't want to roll out of bed, i don't want to see people, don't want to hear, speak, see... The only moment of piece i get at the moment is when i wander outside without realizing, and end up standing there in the sun, or the rain, and just.... just stand there for so long, eyes closed, accepting that I'll have nothing better than this right now, right at this moment.
I wonder if this is how people feel when they know they're about to leave this world behind? When they know what is coming next? Do you think? I hope not.. But i also hope so. I hope not for my sake, and hope so for theirs. It's the best I've felt in months. And the most empty.
Maybe that's why?
Until you remember me again.
-S
I cannot begin to explain how much that single post, those few lines of text, has helped me at this exact moment in time.
It's like you reached into my little world and dragged me a few steps towards the exit.
Life.. The world, it changes.. No one really teaches you that while you grow up. People may not like change.. But it's there. Friends, family.. they change. You will change. I will change. But i like to think, even if this world moves and shifts around us, there is always going to be a part of someone, maybe their smile, or humor, their tastes in things or their passions, that will never change.
You make it all seem less of a weight. Knowing you are there, you still remember me, still acknowledge that i am indeed here somewhere.. It just makes everything that little less dark.
I hope i never lose you Romeo. Not completely..
You lovely, wonderful, amazing, unbelievably fantastic being you.
If only.
Me again.
It seems I'm starting to realize how much I've grown. How long it has been since i was a "child". How many people i have lost in this useless, stressful and absolutely infuriating chase.
I've started to think too much. I've come across the idea that maybe, somewhere inside, I am not a naturally lonely person after all. Maybe all i do want is someone to be here, with me, sharing everything with and being able to give my everything to. Maybe I'd like to be looked at without the oh so common glance of pity or guilt, of loathing and anger, of confusion and the incredibly hurtful look of indifference. Maybe i want someone to look at me, really fucking look, and care?
Maybe, just maybe, I'm over all this shit and... And what? What do i do? What in god's name do i do now? Sit here in this house waiting for more or less hours and reading about or being told that another one of the people i met in previous years has had a child, or has/is getting married, or has moved away or into their own houses, or they're finishing their education like they planned and are setting themselves up for a bright future, or they have plans to go out and meet up with their amazing friends for yet another fun night in town, or are off for another holiday in a place i've only seen photos of.
I'm sick of being the one odd ball. The one kid left behind. Sure it may be my fault. Fuck it, it is my fault. But what am i supposed to do? Out of every child that is a part of this family, i am the only one that cares for my parents, i see their troubles as my own, i help without being asked and save them from financial trouble time and time again.
I never want to see my parents die. I know many children say that.. But to me it would be the complete and utter end. They are gods. They are the two singular unstoppable forces that kept me alive and growing for the past 21 years and not one of the other children understand how much that cost them. They have so much money to pay back after our childhood finally evolves to our own independence that, if they ever die on us, there will be no possible way for me to take over the bills.
I am the only other member of this family besides my parents that is working. The other four are either too lazy to check in with centrelink when called so they can get their fortnightly pay, or busy sitting on their arses and drinking or wasting their dole pay away in some way or another. This is no proper family. My parents and i are the hosts and the others are leeches. What do i do? What in the bloody hell can i do?
If/when these amazing parents die, i will arrange the funerals, i will have to call the banks and organize their bills to come directly to me, i will have to sell the entire house and belongings inside due to the problems that will rise from the other family members wanting this and that and no way to make sure they can be civil about it.
I want.. I don't want alot. I never have. I haven't been given a gift for my birthday for years. I go out of my way to find something for the boys every year, twice a year, and three times a year for my parents, just to see some glimmer of happiness in their eyes. And i get forgotten. I don't want/need gifts. I just want.. I want........
I WANT A FUCKING LIFE!
Something i can be proud of in the years to come. I want to be able to tell my children or nieces and nephews of how i grew up and how i got my dream job, how i bought my first house, about my true love, how wonderful my wedding was, my holidays and trips. I want to have so many photos of my memories that i will never have to worry about forgetting.
I want to be able to walk out into my front garden one morning, pick up my newspaper and empty the mailbox, steaming hot chocolate in one hand, holding my child's hand with the other and being able to think.. "Now this.. This is my life and i fucking love it. I'll never give this up."
I can't begin to explain how utterly lost and alone i feel right now.. It aches so painfully when i am given time or space to think about it.. I just can't handle being inside my own god damned head any more. How messed up do you have to be to not even be able to tolerate yourself anymore?
Whats more? The one person that i could always rely on reading this, reading every word of every post and putting my heart at ease with even a single sentence in reply.. Is completely and utterly oblivious. I'm never in her thoughts, of that i can be almost sure of, besides the fleeting memory, or maybe an angry word. I miss her, but im not sure in what way anymore. I've been away from people outside of work for so long, i don't even know how to act in front of real people. I'm not me anymore. I don't know who i am. I don't know how i can feel better. I don't know if i can be fixed or if im a lost cause..
I just wish for.. something.. anything to give me a little hope that i can still work towards some sort of a future for myself. For me. I don't want to live in this box any longer. Shut off, cold and sitting in the dark. I don't even know if i can get myself out of this..
Oh for the love of god.. Somebody help me. Please.
I've been a bit of a youtube fanatic of late, watching the usual "How its made" videos along with alot of KYRSp33dy's work and getting addicted to BdoubleO, communitychannel, HISHEdotcom, The Hillywood Show, Jenna Marbles, OfficialNerdCubed and simonscat haha. Somewhere along the line i ran into a channel called lesbiananswers. Miss Lesbian Answers is quite the busy bee. I went through a few of her uploads and ended up on one titled, What's your coming out story? I was intrigued and realised i haven't really told many people about my own story. It's not all that great and noteworthy but why not share? So of course, here we go haha.
When i was younger, Primary school young, im not ashamed to admit i had the odd crush on a teacher or friend. That sort of thing is quite common, but all my crushes were female. At the time i guess i was too young to figure out what this may or may not mean and so never really cared about it. I didn't tell anyone though. I gather i had that sort of knowledge somewhere in my head at least ha. It probably helped that i only had three close friends up until year 6 in that area as well.
Year 6 i moved schools and yet again found myself absolutely infatuated with yet another teacher and several of the students. Still kept that secret from my handful of friends.
Year 7 and 8 rolled around. More friends, more infatuations, none with teachers (at least i grew out of that one eventually ha).
Year 9 and 10 and i've switched schools again. Another group of new friends, same happened, but this time the idea started rolling around my head.
I had my first and second (and only) boyfriends in year 9, the first being a boy that seemed to like me right off the bat. He was also quite "popular with the ladies". He did seem to like me, and we managed a 1 month stretch. I was still in school so it was simply visits at home and kisses. Nothing but that. But i felt no pull towards him. We broke up when he confessed to cheating on me. Can you class it as cheating if the guy had sex with another girl, and yet you hadn't let that part happen yet? Needless to say i was strangely glad to get rid of him.
The second was his friend. And i know you really shouldn't go there, at least not with your ex's best friend but we both knew the boy liked me as well and i found out the note the first passed me before we started going out was meant to be the seconds note. I let him have a shot, still not much of a connection, but there was a mutual friendship and trust there. He was harmless and i didn't mind him at all. I did end up breaking up with him after realizing i'd only hurt him if i kept the relationship going on nothing but friendship. I needed to feel something.
Year 10 and i feel it. A woman in my grade, my age, and my image almost to the T. The girl was perfect, and after managing to get her number from a mutual friend we began to talk. She was amazing in every way humanly possible and i couldn't keep her out of my mind. Our friendship grew as my love for her burned. But alas as i would come to understand in the not too distant future, i have a terrible habit of falling for straight women. That said, i am still very good friends with this woman to this day and wouldn't kick her out of my life even with the promise of Helena Carter replacing her.
Year 11 and i've finally given myself a talking to. I gather im either a very confused person, a bisexual or a lesbian. I never did like that year too much. I made more friends, and they helped me to see it. I barely looked at men. If i watched a movie, i'd be focusing on the women. I was always asked why i never perved with them when a hot guy walked past, or perved at all. But they simply never paid attention when i caught myself eyeing off women left right and centre. I was brought into a close circle of female friends and realized i have never been in such a group. The majority of my friends from the past were either boys or tomboys and i didn't mind it at all.
Eventually i confided in a friend of mine i'd met that year who is bisexual. She told me that she knew there was something similar between her and me. It took me a little while to accept that i was what my friends uncovered. Bisexual. Not that i like to label it that. I do spy a guy or two once in a blue moon that i genuinely think i like. But they are hugely out weighed by the amount of women i swoon for.
Year 11 was also the year i started admitting and telling people about myself. At first it was a few choice people. Before long my confidence had skyrocketed and almost all of my friends knew. Sadly somewhere along the line word had gotten out to an old "friend" from high school. She was working with a family member at the time and knew perfectly well none of my family had a clue. Still she brought it up and accused me. The family member brought it home and my parents found out. Thankfully my parents are rather lovely people. They didn't mind too much. They love me with all their heart but i do believe my mother has some sort of hope it is a faze. If it is ever brought up, she tries to convince me otherwise. It doesn't last long and things go back to normal not long after, but there is an acceptance i would love to have that i may never quite fully get. I guess i can't complain though.
After year 12 i started year 13 and fell in love with my first girlfriend. She was wonderful, amazing, fantastic she made everything so so much better and our first stretch lasted just under a month. I of course being the introvert i am, broke it off. I felt completely horrible inside for what seemed like months. But not long after, we started dating again. The feelings never left, i simply got to a point where i didn't know what was expected of me and ran. The second stretch lasted a little longer, and i remember this one as the worst, not because of my girlfriend, not because she found a boat load of courage and told her mother about her sexuality. No, it was her mother that made it horrible. The abuse that was thrown at me was horrendous at the time but now seems quite petty. I left her again. Feeling scared and like i had betrayed a woman i had never met by "infecting" her daughter with some sort of disease? I ran yet again. During her absence i had another two girlfriends. These two were close friends from years before. The first after her and second girlfriend i had always known had liked me, and she wasn't afraid to tell me just that as often as possible. She was my first kiss and as it happened, i had one of those common "OMG i really am gay!" moments and panicked to the point of running. Literally. But i guess it didnt help that we had chosen my back yard to drop the bombshell sign on my heart and i was also more worried about having a family member walk outside. As it happened, i was just about to open the backdoor when one of them did appear. Not too long after she moved away for a while and i broke it off. Things confused me in that particular instance. Things that made even more things difficult.
After the second girlfriend i fell in with my third for exactly a week. And im not kidding. Serves me right for falling for a nympho. I gather it was either me not putting out or the fact we were and are good friends.. Either way, a week was my new low haha.
While i went on this weird little hunt of mine, my first girlfriend had started dating a mutual friend. They were together a month but the girl wasn't particularly nice to her. It ended and we were both single for a little while.
Then we fell in to our routine again. This time lasting the longest of all my relationships and even into the period where i had to leave school to find work to pay my levy. To this day that woman drives me crazy in all the good was and maybe a few not so good. We had an abrupt break up, finally she got the better of me haha. I'd finally started to believe i could be myself. Love myself and her. Was waiting for the right moment for a lot of opportunities and she broke it off. I don't blame her at all in the slightest and still adore the woman. She fell in love with another and left me before doing anything. I was angry at first, heart broken. It still gives me butterflies thinking back to that year. But i know it was for the best. I was always a rather slow and shit girlfriend haha.
I am now at a point where i am no longer happy being lonely, 2-3 years later. I feel myself letting go, being less cautious, I'm showing myself and i know those i wished not to know, have an idea on my sexuality. At first i was scared, stressing and making myself worried sick. But i realised i never did mind. I simply didnt want things to get complicated for my parents. Now i know. This is my life and if i don't take control, who will? I will love again. I will open up again. And if i am ever asked outright about my love life, hell, i probably wont even flinch anymore. My heart and soul can't take being hidden behind such a wall, and i don't plan on keeping them there much longer. I will love and will allow myself to be loved in return.
Life's too short for me to be contempt in this simple and uneventful life i lead at this moment. Dreams, inspiration, goals and above all, challenge. I am here to be me. I am here to laugh, cry, play, dance, smile, frown and love. Ahh.. Thank god i have a high pain threshold haha. Here we go.
You know those moments when you think back on how you were as a child, be it energetic and playful or secluded and lazy, and then back to the years in high school where you make a somewhat drastic change from carefree and ignorant to a little more aware and eager, the days you treasured not only for the school and to be away from home but your friends and the memories they helped you make, then fast forward to the years you decided what mattered most at the time? In my case it was friends. It was always friends.
In primary school and the years before, the only friends i knew where three from school that were the closest thing to sisters i had, and my brothers who, despite their avoidance of me on most occasions and the fact the two eldest and two youngest were always in pairs and had all the company they needed.. I learned alot from them. Maybe not life changing knowledge but.. I owe it to them that i know how to run like anything (when im not constantly denying that i can run at all), that i can climb up a roof better than most paid to do it, i can skateboard,rollerblade and bike ride to my hearts content, i can throw a ball further than most and hit it back twice as hard, i have a stamina trained by trying to keep up with them that can keep me up and moving far beyond most people, i love heights and can scale a tree, no matter how tall, without fear, I can kick a football in a relatively straight line and i dare you to try and beat me in non-stop cricket, walla rugby, soft ball, hockey, netball and hand ball..
These boys of mine may have given anything to get rid of me when i was younger but that also taught me the one thing i hold above all else.
To love with an open heart, no matter your background, lifestyle, sexual orientation, family, friends, record, dreams or lovers. If i have no logical and/or relevant reason to avoid or dislike you, then i am and will always be, your friend.
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Life is alright. Still tired, still struggling to gain weight and still fighting with this Emetophobia.
On the other hand, i have new friends and am talking with old ones more, i got a promotion of sorts and feel more free at home. I have a new best friend in the form of a four legged fluffy white male puppy. He has a rare disease called strangled puppy syndrome and i worry for him, but love him wholeheartedly non the less. My parents are happy at this moment in time. My love life is excellent! Yeah.. well anyone that knows me well enough knows thats a lie. It is getting me down, all this loneliness but it seems im getting there. Managing the sadness that comes with being.. what would you call it.. undesirable? Hahaha I dont mind. I know very well im one of those people that look fine from afar and if you dont know a thing about me, but after a while all affection if anything, goes straight out the top floor window. Not even mad haha. Maybe one day i'll run into one of those people i loved earlier in life and somehow, a miracle will happen and they'll forget why they ever got rid of me, be it my uncanny knack of not needing alot of attention, or at least not when surrounded by other people, or the fact i dont invite people over much which i know will change as soon as i move away, or maybe it's the fact they expected too much from a small, rarely loved girl that loves her books more than a great majority of essentials.
Miracles happen hahaha
On another note, I'm currently fascinated in learning everything about the people i know's lives. Their families, their hometowns, their favorites and least favorites, what they've done, what they want to do. I find myself listening intently even if i have very important things to do sitting right in front of me. I want to soak up their experiences and memories, and know what they live like. But im not too sure why. Maybe inspiration?
Maybe i'll meet someone that allows me to use them as the base of the main character in a book i write or a drawing i pencil out. Maybe.
I feel.. everything.
That there is the only sentence i think explains this moment, and the last few months.
I feel everything.
I now see all the little things i thought never worth my attention. I hear the birds in the morning and i can feel their joy in the new morning, the warm sun or cool dawn air. I taste every minute flavor in the meals, the treats, the liquids i consume to quench my thirst. I touch the grass, the trees, the flowers, the brickwork, the rain and it's like my fingers have a new understanding of everything, like they can detect every atom in everything and know how they all fit together to make that book stay bound, to keep a building standing, to force a heart to beat every time it must to survive. I smell the pollen in the air, the weather in the breeze, the perfume on someone a room away..
I wonder constantly whether or not this is how people are meant to feel when they find/see/meet/talk to/yearn/need someone they love.
This.. being. This heavenly form.. This heart.. I barely know a thing about this person and still i wish to keep them so so very close to me for the rest of my life and longer if ever possible.
How idiotic it must seem.. How ironic coming from a person like me. I miss this person. I crave this person. I want this woman.
The idea sends my heart into such a state that i have to stop thinking, just stop everything, simply to try and calm the ever increasing tune due to fear it might burst right there and then.
The idea of seeing her, being close to her. Hearing her voice. Her accidental touch.
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Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
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I am a complete and utter fool.
