And As She Opens Her Eyes...

You know.. it's funny.. I feel like this is a real person. of sorts. like a door or window to one side of you. the side that will hear me. i wonder what you'd say in return if i wrote everything on my mind, that is if my subconscious wasn't constantly screaming that this is the most public place to be writing to you, indirect as it is. But you have answered me before. i guess thats what im waiting for. a constant stream of replies that is like talking to you face to face again.

Im getting better some days, and worse on others. i dont pick the days, my stomach does. it makes me feel like if i do eat my breakfast, i will be sick. which scares me for the fact im petrified of vomiting. its hilarious. ive been constantly bullied and teased by those who think i have an eating disorder, by those who cant understand how i eat and eat and stay the same size. and yet i have no eating disorder. i do not eat and eat and vomit so i can eat more. i do not have an addiction to laxatives. i do not count my calories constantly and feel guilty if i go over, the only part of the packet i read now is the amount of protein i will be getting. i do eat, i dont starve. i simply fall to sleep late, wake up late, and cause my eating habits to go haywire. my breakfast time is after normal lunch, my lunch is around tea and so my tea is so late my stomach digests it weirdly. that and i smoke alot more these days.

I have found myself infatuated with a few people at work. i wonder if or when they'll notice. at least now its not just one type. i have my irresistible brunettes, my captivating blondes, my breathtaking redheads.. and then theres the dark haired ones. i dont know what it is but i can barely look them in the eyes. one in particular has some sort of hold over me. if i see them looking my way, even out of the corner of their eyes, im completely helpless. i have to hide to catch my breath. and then theres the other.. id come to work within 10 minutes if i know or feel the chance that they'll be there that day. i cant help it.. Perhaps it's the combination of dark hair and dark eyes? This confuses me so much because we found out it's blondes.. those angelic creatures sent from above.. that have me weak at the knees each and every time..

Hmm.. sleep. but if you do read of me, give me a little hint? so i know someone's still listening..

"If Only"